


Time After Time

by Yellow_Beacon



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ANY RE-PUBLICATION FOR PROFIT/MONETIZED SITES/APPS IS NOT AUTHORIZED OR SUPPORTED BY ME, Accidental Voyeurism, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, First Time, Hurts So Good, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Set in winter 2019-2020, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:21:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22261747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellow_Beacon/pseuds/Yellow_Beacon
Summary: “You ok there, Lixie?” Chris asked and the English that rolled off his tongue reminded Felix of home. A movie of thoughts rushed through his mind and he suddenly asked himself how it would feel like to be there again, back in Australia and just the two of them this time, with hot sand between their toes and Chris warm, sun kissed skin underneath his fingertips.-In a sudden revelation that Chris wants nothing else but to be cuddled; Felix makes it his mission to never let the leader's side get coldorChris have a massive crush and he don't know what to do and Felix just want their leader to feel loved and God help him he just set himself up for destruction, didn't he?
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 59
Kudos: 495





	1. Pirated movies and songs from the past

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies! English is not my first language. Sorry if there's spelling and/or grammar mistakes. Please do comment what you think of the story. I love to read them ♥
> 
> Title comes from Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time

“Just look at you… goodness, you’re so cute” Felix eyes flickered over at Chris and surprise shadowed his face for a split second before the older had taken a strong grip around him. Hugging him close and nearly caused the other to spill over the French fry container in his hands.  
“Hyung?” Felix asked. A bit confused but still welcomed the sudden surge of affection that enveloped him.   
“You’re just…” Chris let him go and sighed, watching him like he just paused in front of a great painting in a museum and Felix looked back, slowly bringing some fries to his mouth.  
Eyebrows furrowed and unsure of what had been in the burger that Chris basically just inhaled that made him act all sappy. Even more unsure if he should be worried.   
“You’re acting weird…” The younger mumbled and Chris chuckled, turned away and brought a glass of soda to his lips.   
Head flicking to the side in a quick motion while a smile still played on his lips. The tips of his ears flushed red like he was embarrassed by his own behaviour and Felix felt how the amusing feeling that rumbled in his belly turned to anxious turbulence. Disarray in his mind when he turned to the three monitors in front of them again.   
They were in the studio. Felix had first guessed that Chris wanted to work because why else would they be there and not at home, wrapped up in blankets in their own sofa? It seemed like working was what Chris had wanted as well. He’d showed Felix some new material. Lyrics, music samples and Felix just nodded along, a bit hesitant because this sort of thing was what he had Changbin and Jisung for… right? 3RACHA was a unit when it came to creating music and even though Felix found it sweet, downright honoured to be part of the first steps in development, it was… strange… and so unlike Chris- who strived for perfection and would’ve had much more help if he asked someone else. Someone who knew what the coding that he pressed into the keyboard actually meant.  
Chris seemed to notice it too when Felix asked for the third time what he was doing in the programme he worked with to compose and suggested, a bit awkwardly, for them to go and grab a snack instead.   
They watched a pirated movie while sharing a bag of chips and the mood between them changed from the previous slightly strained, stiff conversations to joyful glee as they laughed to the jokes in the movie. They listened to music that reflected their childhood after that. Went out to get western fast food when the clock passed late afternoon because the memories of places that they’d both been in but never together, made them hungry.   
“Do you think that I’ve been too harsh with you? In the past? Right-” Chris paused, took a deep breath “Right now? This autumn and winter?” He asked suddenly- almost confrontational and something reflected in his face. Regret? Guilt?  
“No” Felix answered. But it almost sound like a question. Puzzled from the others weird demeanour, since it seemingly blew out from nothing. The word a bit muffled by the last mouthful of fries and he leaned back against the soft armchair before throwing the container in the bin underneath the desk.   
“Then why?” Chris started off but stopped himself. Chewed on his lip while looking down at his own folded hands.  
“Hyung, you are and have always been amazing. You’re someone I trust wholeheartedly. I don’t know what I- what we would do-”  
“Then why won’t you cuddle with me like you cuddle with the others?” Chris interrupted and quickly glanced over at the younger, putting some space between them with the wheels on his spinning chair and Felix wet his lower lip. Tasted oil and salt on them and didn’t know how to answer because it was much, much more complicated than that.  
“Do I scare you? Am I too strict to you? You know that you can talk to me” Chris said and clenched his jaw. His voice was low and composed but the younger recognized the worried look in his eyes. Knew from experience that the burning pain in his tense shoulders, the way he anxiously chewed on the inside of his cheek, the way he fiddled with the rings around his fingers- was because the subject in itself troubled him. Felix wanted to comfort him, to make sure that it was ok, but at the same time didn’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it was and just shrugged.   
“Of course I can cuddle with you, if that’s what you want. You don’t scare me, don’t be ridiculous”  
He received a sharp look in return. The Korean ways of not talking down on your elder was printed in their minds by now, even if Chris was the one that basically bared his throat and completely submitted with his whole body-language at the moment. Felix only felt a little guilty when Chris sighed, “It is” not unlike a child that had made up his mind.  
Felix just looked at him and shook his head slightly, “You need to talk to us, mate. You can’t keep it all to yourself”  
“I know, I know- I just…” He drifted off but Felix understood.   
It was tough for him, being both the oldest and the leader since a few months back. They counted on him, in ways that made him want to bend over backwards to make sure that they all were happy. So rarely talked about what bothered him and when he did, he only wanted someone to listen while he vented about what he was feeling but never asked for anyone to hold his burdens. Never wanted anyone to be bothered or worried or think that he was tired when it was so obvious that he was, that it hurt at times. So good with everything he did, and Felix watched him, while the older turned back to the monitors in front of him. Almost acting like the younger weren’t there anymore, but he didn’t mind. He found comfort in their silence. Found comfort in watching Chris work. The mood between them had basically changed back anyway. They knew each other well enough to not hold grudges. Placed his sock clad feet on the edge of Chris chair and the older placed his arm around his knees, a small smile tugging on his lips while his finger clicked on mouse to drag a music sample to its place. 


	2. Hot sand and sun-kissed skin

Minho and Jisung’s bodies were heavy on his, but Felix didn’t feel like complaining. He knew that he’d probably be scolded if he did, considering how much he’d been bothering them into letting him join under the covers. The two had been watching a movie, a different one than what they were watching now, cuddling close underneath a blanket and Felix had approached them carefully, with a thoughtful purse on his lips and eyes suspiciously squinting and Minho had called out to him before he rounded the edge of the sofa and came into view.   
“You know that you would’ve seemed like the biggest creep if we’d been doing something dirty, right?” Felix had blushed slightly then, embarrassed that Minho had noticed him and the colour of his cheeks almost blended with the shade in his hair. But he confidently closed the distance with a few more strides to come face to face with the couple. Gave them a look and Minho looked back, pressed his mouth into a thin line and shook his head, “Wait your turn, there’s like 30 minutes left of the movie”  
Felix had pouted then and Jisung sighed, weak like always when his one day younger brother watched him with eyes that begged them both not to turn him away.  
“No talking, no complaining” He said and received a look of betrayal from the oldest of the three.  
“What? It’s not like we were gonna fuck right here on the couch anyway, right?” Jisung said and Minho gave him a look that explained how much he clearly wouldn’t have minded if that would’ve been the case, before he rolled his eyes and submitted to the youngest with a small smile on his lips. Lifted the blanket and moved aside a little to make place for the smiling freckled boy, who happily sat down between the armrest and the oldest warm body.   
It didn’t take long until Jisung laid half over the oldest and Minho over Felix, his head resting on his arm while the pink haired himself rested over the armrest. It was warm underneath the blanket and Minho’s hand was hot and clammy from sweat, softly grasping around Felix arm, but he didn’t mind. Half an hour passed, and Felix could feel how he was getting sleepier and sleepier as the other two send a wave of soft breathing towards him, moving their bodies in sync where they laid.   
“Place for one more?” Chris voice was unsure, and he rounded the edge of the sofa with a small smile, like he expected them all to turn him down. Felix sat up with a small jolt of his body, suddenly very much awake. Out of surprise from the question or the way that Chris looked at him with dark gorgeous eyes- he didn’t know since his mind went completely blank. Minho frowned and complained loudly, eyes still closed when he slumped over in an uncomfortable position since his resting support just moved away,  
“Of course” Felix hurried to say and scooted to the left, pushing the two others in the process and Minho huffed slightly when he was forced to move even more, but was quieted by a small squeeze when Jisung took a hold of his hand, placed the other around him, turned them over so that they were leaning against the other side of the sofa instead and softly kissed the crown of his head.   
Chris was dressed in grey sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt and politely declined the blanket that was reached towards him. Warm enough as it was. Felix couldn't help but gravitate towards that warmth after softly tucking in the cuddling couple at his side. Gave up the warm blanket to them before he leaned further against their leader and Chris tensed up, but only for a second, beside him when Felix latched himself around his arm. Blessed his flexible joints while placing his folded knees over Chris lap and couldn’t help but swallow hard when the older unintentionally flexed his thigh muscles. Bigger and stronger than Minho, his usual cuddle buddy, who was lean in places where Chris was bulky and with muscles in places where Felix didn’t have much at all. With broad shoulders, rock hard abs, a lean frame and somehow it almost took the youngers breath away. His cologne, the musky smell of natural scented soap and boy and Felix wet his lips, almost nervously when his heart flipped so hard that it felt like his chest constricted. Chris placed a strong arm around him to pull him closer in a half hug and Felix must be mad- lost his mind completely- because he only leaned further into the other’s embrace. Nuzzled his nose into the short cut hair before comfortably resting his head in the crook of Chris neck and it was amazing. Calming. Intoxicating.  
He’d been this close to Chris before- of course. While hugging each other just before or straight after a performance. Holding each other close while watching a movie. Even shared the same bed a few times while they were trainees and Felix needed someone to listen. To be able to talk to someone because his thoughts were flowing too fast and his Korean wasn’t good enough and no one else would understand except for Chris, because he was the only one who knew how hot sand between your toes felt like, and the exhaustion after a long distance swim, and the smell of sun kissed skin.   
This right now, though, was different. The boy that he’d been sharing his deepest and darkest thoughts with over nearly three years ago, had grown up into a man and Felix felt so small against him that it left him breathless.   
“You ok there, Lixie?” Chris asked and the English that rolled off his tongue reminded Felix of home. A movie of thoughts rushed through his mind and he suddenly asked himself how it would feel like to be there again, back home and just the two of them this time, with hot sand between their toes and Chris warm, sun kissed skin underneath his fingertips.


	3. Soft, pink hair and black sweatpants

Chris couldn’t sleep. Thoughts were swirling in his mind and he twisted and turned in his bed with no avail. The three other boys around him were sleeping soundly and he sighed. Frustrated and tired. Restlessness and anxiety kept growing like a ball inside the pit of his stomach. He tried listening to music, caught up on some YouTube videos and even tried some ASMR but still couldn’t find peace or even the right position to be comfortable. Was too hot one minute and angrily removed the duvet before sighing frustratedly when he got too cold and pulled it up over his chest again. Time must’ve pushed past 2am when he finally gave up and sat up in the bed. Rubbed his face and combed his fingers through his hair a few times before climbing, as quietly as he could, down the bunk bed and out of the bedroom. Carefully closed the door until there was only a small gap between it and the doorpost, stretched with his hands high into the air before rubbing over his eyelids with the thumb and long finger. Blinked when stars clouded his vision and frowned slightly when a sharp pain struck into his head like lightning, disappearing as quickly as it thundered down and sighed again. His feet moved towards the kitchen, thinking that some tea and an old Korean soap-opera would turn his busy mind off things.   
He paused.   
Watched the flickering lights on the wall of the short corridor to the living room for a second and frowned. Did they really forget to turn off the tv? He continued but paused once again when the room opened up. Stopped in the shadows and took a soft step towards the wall. Felix was on the sofa and the bright saturated light from the screen turned his skin ghostly white where he laid, with his head on the head rest. One hand underneath the thin cotton tee he was wearing, a deep frown on his sweet face while his fingertips lightly stroked over the contradictory abs on his stomach. His other hand softly graced over his crotch and Chris mouth fell open when the younger delicately began to play with the outline of his cock.   
Chris swallowed hard while he watched how the other got harder by the second from the teasing, knowing in the back of his mind that if he’d decided to give up on his sleep a few minutes later he’d probably walk in on something much more embarrassing.   
Felix's eyes were closed, seemingly unknowing that Chris was watching him. A deep blush flushed the older’s cheeks when he saw how his friend’s movements quicken and a rumbling choked up whine slipped between the younger’s lips when his thighs tensed up to gently meet the movements of his hand.   
This was bad.   
Very, very bad and Chris took a small step back to make sure that darkness enveloped him completely, but still couldn’t look away, even though he knew that he really, really should. Every fibre in his body told him to walk away now, before he saw anything more but the way that Felix looked was intoxicating. With his head slightly thrown back, rapid short breaths already breaking through the silence of their dorm and Chris was trapped.   
Trapped and captured. Completely under a spell that he didn’t want to break free from and he swallowed hard again when the hand that had stroked down the younger’s abs quickly rode up his shirt, placed the fabric between his teeth to silence the muffled tiny whines that threatened to escape between his lips before he quickly undid the loose knot on his black sweatpants and pulled them down enough to free his hard cock. Let go of his shirt momentarily to spit in his hand and shuddered when he closed it around his shaft.  
 _Fuck_.  
That was _definitely_ something that Chris should _not_ see, and he tensed up when he felt the strain of his own hardening cock against the gym-shorts he was wearing. He hadn’t even realized how affected he’d been while watching and felt shame wash over him like a cold shower.  
But he _still_ couldn’t move away from the gorgeous vision in front of him. Felix was writhing now, head tossing slightly back and forth as pre-cum and saliva made the blood-filled head glistened and Chris was choking on air. His own arousal painfully reminded him that he needed to be touched as well and he clenched his jaw. Tried not to submit to the need he felt burning in the pit of his stomach, because watching one of your best friend and group member jerk off was bad enough.   
It only took a minute though, with a quick flick of Felix’s wrist and a sharp whine when beads of pre-cum slicked his fingers, for him to break that rule and the older’s knees almost buckled when he pressed a flat palm against the throbbing hardness in his shorts. Gently dragged his fingertips over the underside and felt a ripple of pleasure shoot through his spine when he reached the head, gently teased himself and stopped himself from crying out when he watched how Felix did the same. He swallowed hard, and with the knowledge that he’d be kicked out of the group if anyone would catch him in that moment, plunged his hand into his shorts, closed his hand around his cock and had to bite down on his index finger to keep his voice down.   
Felix rolled his hips to meet his own thrusts and Chris was completely and utterly lost. Watched as the younger set a pace and couldn't help but match it. Prayed silently to any God that listen, that the sound of himself jerking off would be swallowed up by Felix need to come, and his prayers seemed to be answered. The muscles on the youngers stomach suddenly clenched up and his eyes rolled back when his movements stilled for a sharp second before white translucent ribbons of cum painted his lower stomach and Chris breath hitched as he finally turned away, broke free from the enchantment and walked with quick silent steps (thank you for the non-squeaky floorboards JYP) to the bathroom near his room. Quietly locked the door and leaned against the tiled wall in front of the sink while squeezing his eyes shut. Cursed again and again and again while sinking to the floor. The way that Felix had looked, with his mouth falling open and whole body tensing up, almost like he was in agony, played like a broken record in the darkness of his closed eyelids and Chris wanted to cry because it was like he was still spellbound when he closed his hand around his cock again. Exhaled sharply when he felt tears in his eyes and the way his stomach turned because he knew that he was doing something he absolutely shouldn’t and yet… _he couldn’t stop._   
Couldn’t stop himself just a minute later when his motions paused and he bit down on his lower lip to keep himself quiet as his whole body shuddered almost violently and fell backwards as the warm void welcomed him. Soft, pink hair and freckles in his vision as the other’s name fell soundlessly from his lips.


	4. Heartache and dandelions

Felix had always been special for Chris. From the very moment he introduced himself- his Korean slow and with so many grammatical errors that Chris cringed on the inside. The younger reminded him so much of himself that he became painfully determined that he’d protect this sweet, innocent boy from every pitfall that he, himself had fallen into. He was stricter and pushed Felix even further than the other members at times- because he wanted, no- needed Felix to be better. Better than the others, better than himself. Because he needed Felix to debut with them, for him to get the chance at immediate success. Something that Chris had waited seven long years to happen.   
And then he’d lost him.   
In a twisted chance of fate _he’d lost him_.   
Because he’d pushed him so much, so far that he forgot the most important part of his role as a leader. To be there as a brother as well. To be there and listen. To be there and understand that Felix didn’t need to be pushed, he needed to be held closer. Chris cried all day, all night and swore a promise to himself that he would wait seven more years if that’s what Felix needed to be able to succeed.  
The memories that still pained him reminded him once again that happiness could be taken away in a matter of minutes, months upon months later, when the group was once again torn apart.   
But he couldn’t cry that night. Didn’t allow himself to, because he had to be stronger than all of them. Woojin was who he’d gone to when things were tough. When the responsibilities of being a leader threatened to topple over, too high and too heavy for him to carry on his shoulders. Woojin would call him stupid and start from the very top, taking away stone after stone with carefully chosen words, advise when it was needed and a bear hug that could make anyone, Chris included, melt.   
He was alone with those responsibilities now and found himself tumbling over more often the following month after Woojin left. He was lucky though. The members always seemed to sense when something was wrong and they took turns to help him, each having a role that fulfilled and energised him when he had given it all.   
One that gave him advice. One that said what was needed at the right time. One that cooked him a meal to make sure that his stomach was full. One that sang for him until he fell asleep. One that helped him carry the burden of work. One that held him tight. And one that took his mind off things with games and laughter. With a familiar Aussie accent and soft bubble gum hair, freckles like a sky splattered with stars and Chris knew that he couldn’t imagine a life without them all.   
Without Felix.  
Their relationship was complex. With memories of places they both had been in. Shared thoughts and way of living. His feelings- protective of the younger’s innocence and almost borderline meticulous to make sure that he never passed the blurred line of friendship- haunted every moment he spent with him in an over 2-year long period. So it wasn’t like he suddenly woke up one morning with a craving- no.   
It was a long and dragged out process that led him up to that moment. The moment when he watched how Felix destructively tore his whole body apart with ripples of shameless recoils and Chris didn’t even try to fight back. The white flag had been up high in the air for longer than he could remember.   
He’d spent months denying his own feelings and even longer time rejecting the need to feel the younger close. A want and desire had blossomed uncontrollably in his body like dandelions’ over a meadow and he tried so many times to push back the thoughts in his head that it exhausted him. He was young, back then, 20 in just a few months- a young adult, with all the hormones and emotions that came with it but Felix was even younger, almost 17 years old, in the beginning of spring when they first met and Chris knew that he was threading through deep, dangerous waters when the younger gave him a bright smile the minute he heard the same Aussie accent that he, himself possessed.  
It was almost amazing that he’d managed to hold himself together for so long when it could have been so easy to say something. It was eating away at him at times, when he fumbled with the lock to their dorm just before the jet-black night turned into dawn and Felix sat and watched tv with a small pout on his lips and fluttering tired eyelids. Lips tugging into a small smile to greet the older as he tiptoed around the dorm to not wake anybody up. Or the times when the younger still, years later, crawls into his bed even though Chris sleeps in the top bunk and there are beds that are way more accessible, mumbling something about the way that Chris smells and how much he misses home. Or the way that he interlaces their hands sometimes when he thinks that the older is occupied with other things, like producing songs or eating dinner and Chris just lets him because he knows that he can’t say no to the perfect way it fits with his. 

You might think that he could’ve said at least something this summer when Jisung and Minho carefully but proudly confessed to the whole group a hot day when they all ate dinner with all the aircons in the living room, that they were in love and couldn’t hide it anymore. That they promised not to do anything stupid but still couldn’t pretend like they didn’t have feelings for each other when they were in the comfort and security of their home.   
He could’ve said something then, because Felix had hugged them both and congratulated them for founding each other. Honest and pure happiness as he squeezed them hard before asking if there was a need to change rooms and Jeongin looked at the group with a deep sigh,   
“There goes living in a room with just one more” before Minho assured him that it wasn’t a problem and the whole group laughed as the youngest just shook his head, “I’d rather sleep in a room with three others than the two of you next to me in the same bed”  
Chris could’ve said something right then. Could’ve asked Felix to take a walk with him through the nearby park, since the weather had been so nice, so that they could be alone.   
But he didn’t and the months passed.


	5. Anxiety and a crackling fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only Part 1!

Chris acted strange the next morning and Felix pouted over the granola bar he had in his hand. Eyes squinting as he watched the older from the other couch in the changing room. Nose in his phone and legs restlessly bouncing and Felix wanted to ask him what was wrong. If he was nervous about tonight's show. If there was something that Felix could do to help him get his mind off things. If he could get him something to eat or give him a few words of encouragement or even massage his shoulders. But he was interrupted when the sound manager called them onto the stage.  
He watched him again during the soundcheck. The way he moved, flawlessly and without effort. Voice steady, rap flowing like a strong coursing river and Felix was sure that he must’ve imagined things.   
He reached out for the older when they were finished. All of them sweaty and with muscles that ached from repeating the stage over and over until they were satisfied, immediately dug into the lunch that was provided for them and Chris only flinched a little when Felix sat down next to him. Knees bumping and damp skin rubbing and the older inhaled sharply when skin touched skin. Felix immediately retreated, thinking that Chris probably didn’t appreciate the feeling of them so close when they just got off stage and hung his head low while they began eating.   
An hour or so passed and Felix was bored. He knew that he should rest. To save energy for tonight's show. But he was fidgety, uneasy and thoughtfully pursed his lips from his place in the plastic chair, fingers constantly tapping on the table and he received a sharp look from Hyunjin, just before he laid down next to Jeongin on a thin foam mat on the floor. The members were resting. Two, and soon to be three, even snored softly and the others played with their phones and joked around with each other. Felix tried to join in on the fun but still felt how he couldn’t unwind fully. Nervous butterflies kept bumping into the sides of his stomach and he sighed with his mouth pressed into a thin line when the members who were still awake, decided to take a walk. Seungmin looked back over his shoulder to check if Felix wanted to join but the slightly older one just shook his head with a small smile.   
The room they were in grew quiet, and he continued to play the mobile game he’d started up but grew more and more restless as time went on. A stylist noona begun to pack up her stuff onto a table in one corner and someone from another department sat in the other corner with a bunch of papers in his lap. A pen between his lips as he browsed through the stack, occasionally humming to himself while jotting down notes. Felix eyes stopped at Chris, who sat diagonally in front of him, on the other side of the table. Looked away with a small huff when he realized what he was doing but the older kept his gaze stuck at the screen of his phone and Felix’s curiosity got the upper hand and he soon enough glanced back at him. Chris had an app open with piano keys and occasionally played a few notes while writing down something in his usual notebook.   
Felix pursed his lips in thought, leaned forward slightly and wondered quietly what the other worked on. What kind of lyrics swivelled around in the other’s mind and tried to crane his neck to the side but still failed to read the hurried handwriting. It seemed complex though, and with deep emotions because the older had his jaw clenched up, a deep furrow on his brows and a look in his eyes that spoke of pain. Felix closed the programs he was using, locked his phone, set it face down on the table and placed his chin in his hand while he watched the older, like a lovesick cartoon character. Changbin, who’d been sleeping in a chair, stirred awake just as the styling noona in the corner called for him to prepare the stage clothes he was going to wear but Chris didn’t look up from his work, didn’t even bat a lash at the way Changbin muttered something mostly incoherent about his being sleepy and how he didn’t want to. It surprised him and stirred in Felix curious soul even more. He still didn’t look away from the older, now with a small tilt of his head as he watched. Changbin left, still yawning and stretched from resting in the uncomfortable position and the person from the unknown department hummed loudly before he stood up and grabbed his jacket before exiting as well.   
From outside, it might’ve looked a bit creepy and Felix was happy that no one noticed his fixated gaze. Only Hyunjin and Jeongin were left in the room now, bundled up together with a blanket and some of the other stylist noonas bags underneath their heads as make-shift pillows. Almost three minutes had passed when Chris finally must’ve felt the burning eyes on him because he looked up suddenly, both eyebrows turned up underneath the thin fringe in a silent question and Felix felt his heart jolt from the look of sceptical astonishment he received. Like Chris was surprised that Felix had been watching him and the younger quickly stuck his tongue out to distract them both from the slightly awkward feeling that surfaced.  
“Bored?” Chris asked shortly and stretched his arms high above his head before exhaled deeply when he felt the joints in his elbows and shoulders pop in their sockets.   
“Very” Felix answered with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Fingers fiddling with his phone, turning it between his fingers and eyes that finally looked away and Chris caught himself just as his gaze lingered on those fingers for a second too long. Thankful that Felix didn’t notice the way his own fingers twitched to hold him.   
The younger had the smallest hands between all the members and while the younger thought it was annoying, Chris had always found it cute and endearing. He was almost always warm and fit so well in Chris own that the older found himself holding onto him whenever he could.   
“Me too” Chris mumbled and tore his eyes from Felix hands. Turned his neck from side to side and the younger flinched slightly when a cracking noise erupt from the action.  
“I could give you a massage if you want” Felix said with a small smile while he tapped his fingers on the table and even though the words stirred something awake in Chris, he forced it back down in a hurry.   
The thought of the younger’s fingers on his shoulders, pushing against those bundled up painful nerves in his back was almost as dangerous as the still very, very clear memory of Felix’s fingers closing around his own cock. Pumping himself with slow movements, his voice, the way he had bitten down on the fabric of his shirt to keep himself quiet.  
“Channie-hyung?” Felix had reached out for him and the fingertips that softly grazed his knuckles made Chris come crashing back down from his thoughts. He swallowed, tongue darting out to wet his lower lip while his gaze flickered to the place where their bodies met and he felt how his stomach jumped and heart fluttered in his chest like he was 14 years old again and made eye contact with the cutest kid in school. It was damn near painful, on the edge of embarrassing and Chris wanted the ground underneath him to swallow him up because Felix had _no idea_ how _much_ he is making the older feel.  
“Yeah- I uh. I’d like that” He started out and immediately cursed his mouth for letting his dick speak for him.   
But he couldn’t exactly take it back when the younger broke out in a bright smile that caused Chris even more heartache. He stood up, closed the short distance between them with three steps around the edge of the table, came to stand behind him and Chris only flinched slightly when the other swiftly pulled down his shirt to expose more skin at his neck and shoulders. 


	6. Dark stars and a setting sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for you patience ♥

The feeling was just what the older had needed. His shoulders were stiff from tensing them all day and he might, just might, be able to escape the pounding headache he’d been expecting to show up in the afternoon, with great help from the pink haired angel that currently pressed the pads of his thumbs on both sides of Chris spine, earning a sharp inhale from the other when he did so.   
“Good?” Felix asked with a hushed, husky voice and Chris hated to admit that the younger had him, in every way possible, in the palm of his hand. Completely and utterly wrapped around his ring clad little finger and could only hum out softly in response.   
Felix snorted out a small chuckle and the older folded his hands together in his lap when he felt the small rumble of it in his friend’s chest. Let his eyelids fall when the younger’s thumbs slipped into the lining of his shirt. Stretched out those cute, short fingers as far as he could, pressed down hard just above the dips of his collarbone and Chris couldn’t stop the sharp hiss of pain that slipped between his lips. Felix stopped instantly and mumbled out a small “Sorry” underneath his breath but barely managed to apologize before Chris assured him that it was ok, because he didn’t want the younger to stop touching him even for a second and it was corrupting his mind and he felt himself flying and falling at the same time while only barely noticing how Felix deeply breathed in with every press of his fingers against his skin.   
_He was fucked._   
He knew that… and the conflict in his mind when the burning desire he has for his friend once again set ablaze to his insides and caused ripples over his body when the his back is painted a flushed red, almost made him loose control. Felix press his whole hand from Chris neck to the edge of his shoulders, huffed a little with disappointment and the older could hear how he pouted when he realized that his hands were too small to cover the entire space. He settled with pushing down just where neck and shoulders meet with the carpal muscles of his hands and Chris slumps a little in his seat from the pressure.  
“Is this ok?” Felix asked with a voice that is slightly strained because he basically pushed down with his entire body and Chris just sat up straighter to carry his weight.   
“Yeah, it’s fine” He mumbled back, half because it actually doesn’t hurt that bad since the pressure is divided over a bigger area and half because he knows that he could probably let Felix do, almost, anything he wanted with his body at that moment.  
Was he really that touch-starved? So desperate for the other’s touch that it made him smile through the bittersweet pain that shot through his back when Felix rubbed his thumbs with solid, unforgiving movements over his trapezius muscles before letting his fingers travel underneath the short sleeves of Chris black, loose tee. The tips of his fingers peeked out on the other side before they continued over his biceps, triceps and the older tried his best to not flex under his touch because that would be even more embarrassing than the small exhale that accidently slipped from his lips. He winced when his friend swallowed hard behind him and prayed that he didn’t make the atmosphere awkward, not knowing at all that the reason behind Felix gulp was because he had to stop himself from repeating the action.   
Chris was strong, he’d been working out for years and the younger, once again, felt so helplessly overthrown compared to him. He wasn’t weak, per se, but his strengths lied more in stamina and endurance from dancing and cardio than actually lifting weights. Grounded in swimming and running. It made him lose his breath and he found himself in the same situation like so many times before, when he was so close yet so, so far away from the other that he just wanted to cry out and do something- anything to settle the ball of anxious, bouncing concentrated energy that boiled hard in the pit of his stomach. There was a crackling, like miniature exploding fireworks in his entire body and he could feel his skin tingle when he reached from the older’s shoulders, moving with circular movements over the dip of his collarbones, the area above his armpits, dipping further into his shirt, moving slowly towards the centre of his chest with the silent excuse that the muscles over his chest would most likely be tensed up too and heard how Chris inhaled a small sharp gasp when his fingers suddenly nudge the soft, dark hair over his sculpted frame.   
_Fuck._  
Felix immediately retreated, like he’d been shocked with electricity and awkwardly squeezed Chris shoulders one final time before he took one quick step back. Moving away far too fast and far too jarring to be considered normal. Chris knew that Felix knew that Chris had noticed, and it was as if a thick wool laid over them.   
“Thank you” The older still forced forth and harshly bit down on his lower lip to prevent the staggered breath that shook his body to be too loud.   
“No problem” Felix voice were much, much deeper than it normally was. Dark and warm like melted chocolate and Chris swallowed hard because his stomach did jumpy somersaults to the tone. Like the younger was just as turned on as he at that moment.  
He hesitated for a second before turning around and Felix pressed his lips into a thin line when he met the others dark eyes.   
He recognized that look.   
Not that he’s seen it a lot though- on the rare times when they’d spent the night in the same bed when they were younger and Felix had woken up by a hard boner poking against his hip or more recently, when they eyes met after the “District 9:Unlock - WOW” performance that he’d done with Hyunjin and Minho that autumn.   
It held the same shame, guilt and regret as all the other times but also, underneath all those things that made Felix feel sick with vicious stomach turns- an indisputable, raw and unmistakable harsh lust.   
Felix breath hitched, his mouth went completely dry and he felt a familiar flame flare up in the pit of his stomach when Chris slowly licked his lower lip into his mouth, something dangerous clouding the sweet brown in his eyes and for a few seconds, they just stared at each other. Like a showdown between two carnivores, both tense and ready to bounce the second the other moved.   
A styling noona interrupted the moment though and Felix blinked when he heard his name being called from the other room, bit down on his lower lip, gaze flickering from Chris face to his crotch and he just barely saw how the older followed his line of sight before he turned around and walked into the other room.   
Chris was hard and the dent in his sweats was so clearly a boner that it might as well have a red beacon over it, and he rubbed the bridge of his nose when the realization that Felix had noticed so as well came crashing down on his conscience. He rose quickly, winced with shame and pulled a familiar jacket around his shoulders to cover the embarrassing evidence, ignored that it was too small and walked with quick steps to the nearest bathroom and silently thanked the venue for the private, fully walled up small stalls. He locked the door with shaking hands and was just about to hang the jacket on a hook on the wall when a whiff of cologne at the neckline of it hit him full on and a ripple shot down his spine.  
It was Felix jacket... of course it was, simply because his own unconscious mind hated him and he only had to debate with himself for a few seconds before he decided to keep it on. He leaned back against the wall, unzipped his pants, already sweating and buried his nose in the neckline of the jacket and inhaled deeply while he pulled down his jeans to his midthigh and plunged his hand into his underwear. Pre-cum had already made a small spot on it and he winced while tugging on himself, already breathless from the smell that captivated his agitated body and made his arousal burn even brighter.   
Felix smell.  
So captivating and familiar and so, _so him_ that he had to pause his rapid movement for a second to just _revel_ in it.   
He closed his eyes and in the darkness of his closed eyelids, he could imagine the younger to be there with him with the fresh recollection of his hands on the older’s body. The way his fingertips had brushed against the hair on his chest. The way it was too easy to imagine his hands to continue travel over the abs on his stomach. The way that Chris gasped out when he thought about Felix the other night. How he’d looked there on their couch, so vulnerable and gorgeous and ethereal in the white glow from the tv that Chris heart clenched, and he choked on his own breath.   
His cock twitched in his hand and he paused for a second to spit in his palm before he grasped himself again, shuddering when he felt how the thick beads of pre-cum already made the friction easy as he jerked himself off quickly, buried his nose in the neckline of the jacket again and imagined how Felix would look if he’d repeat what had happened but this time, with the knowledge that Chris was watching. In this fantasy, Felix opened his eyes and met Chris. They were all alone, in Felix bedroom this time. The pink, soft hair sprawled out like a halo against the white sheets and real-life Chris gasped as fantasy Felix looked at him with eyes that were so dark, he thought he’d drown in them. His cheeks were slightly flushed and the freckles on them even more pronounceable.   
Like deep, dark stars over a setting sun.   
Felix would whine, fatally low, like he’d done in the shameful memories Chris had, and the older would reply, telling him how gorgeous he looked at that moment. He was close, the thrusts into his hand off beat and irregular and he bit down onto his lower lip to keep his voice down as fantasy Felix’s eyes rolled back when he came. Real life Chris choked on his breath as the image, clear as if he were right there beside him from the memories of how the younger had looked at that moment, played over and over and over and he came as well with his other hand clasped tight over his mouth.  
Tears swam over in his eyes when the realisation of what he’d done crashed down on his conscious again and he cursed under his breath as the emotions he had for the younger overpowered his heart.   
This was spiralling out of control.   
A desire that he’d kept quiet about for years was surfacing faster that he could control, and he felt weak, powerless as it suffocated him.   
_What the fuck was he supposed to do?_


	7. Dark nights and thunder light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry that you had to wait, I've been out of town without wifi so I thought I could make up for it with a longer chapter hehe ♥

If Felix would’ve known how badly Chris wanted him, he might have said something straight afterwards. When the older returned to their designated backstage area, a red flush tinted his cheeks and ears and he seemed slightly out of breath, like he’d been working out. Felix however, knew that wasn’t the case and he looked up from his phone to meet his friends eyes in the mirror, but Chris immediately lowered his gaze again, shameful guilt shadowed his face while he went into the other room again and Felix opened his mouth to say something- anything really- to make the older feel better. To even apologize because _his_ unnecessary touching was the reason behind the awkward moment that had happened between them earlier. If he could’ve just kept his damned fingers from fidgeting in places where they shouldn’t be, this situation could’ve been totally avoidable.  
He knew, completely understood, how bad Chris must be feeling. He didn’t blame him because if the roles would be reversed, the same thing would probably have happened. To say that they were all craving for a certain kind of touch was an understatement. Being an idol meant that they had to set aside their own personal needs, and meeting other people, regardless of what kind of person you were attracted to, was obviously a big no no. Especially when it came to a group that still, in the eyes of the public, were branded as a rookie group, at least for a few more months. Felix sighed and received a sharp look from his hairstylist when she stopped him with a soft hand on his wrist just as his hand reached up to comb through his hair, purely on reflex. He mumbled a small apology and squirmed in his seat slightly, suddenly even more restless than before. Anxiety chilled his bones and he wanted so badly to go into the other room where he could hear how Chris gently started to wake up Hyunjin and Jeongin, that his joints ached. The moment ran through his mind again, like a snippet that didn’t want to disappear from his still quite cloudy mind. Their relationship had, since the recording of 1kr just a month ago, finally gotten to a level of physical intimacy that they were both satisfied with and Felix would curse himself forever if this small instance would change that.   
…   
Chris- who’d always been there for him- as a sharp leader, attentive and quick to point out whenever Felix did something, whether it was good or bad and he felt thankful because without his help, he wouldn’t be the perfectionist he was today. Chris, who had taken him under his wing the moment their eyes met the first day he was at JYP after gotten accepted as a trainee. Chris, who he shared a kinship that had only gotten deeper when the older picked him out from a group of twenty over two years ago, and asked with a small smile, if he wanted to join into the group he was putting together. Chris, who had patiently taught him how to behave properly, how to bow when he should, how to greet people older than you, how to speak and move and perform…   
They were inseparable since day one, like two brothers, but with an arm's length away from each other at all times, in a game of constant push and pull- Chris craved him closer when he needed their common first language and the familiarity of Felix’s accent and Felix needed Chris when the pressure of being in a whole new world became overwhelming. Both pretending like they didn’t need the other as much as they actually did when they were among the others.  
The list was far, far longer than he wanted to admit and even though he knew that the older, years later, still blamed himself for getting Felix eliminated on the survival show they did just before debuting, he was forever grateful that he were as strict as he’d been or he might’ve not been able to join them at all.   
He still had trauma, they all had, even if no one wanted to talk about it. He still woke up in the middle of the night from crying out, tears streaming and chest constricting while breathing in deeply when he realised that he just had a nightmare and he wasn’t 17 anymore, with a hope that was lost and a stinging pain in his heart where a big gaping hole was all that was left. He was home, with his legs tangled in his blankets and a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead, the baby hairs at his hairline sticking to it and with Changbin snoring in the bed next to his, unconscious to the world despite the youngers loud yell, the bedroom door open and behind that doorway- 6 more members who loved and cherished him. The one-meter big space beside his hyung seemed warm enough but Felix wanted another pair of arms around him at that moment, he always did.   
It was nearly pitch dark and he could barely see the outline of his own movements, but his feet knew where to take him and soon enough, with only a few calculated steps and a hand and foot on a ladder, he crawled down beside a warm body. There was a small sleepy grunt when a naked chest pressed against his thin white shirt and Felix inhaled deeply when a voice, deep and drowsy, whispered his name in a question. Felix hummed back and pressed his hand flat on his hyungs lower back to flush them tighter together and a satisfied growl erupted from the others throat as he nuzzled his nose in Felix hair.  
He needed this. _Needed Chris_ when he felt like this. So hopelessly fragile that the older’s heavy arm around his midriff was the only thing that held him together. He mumbled something about a nightmare and a few seconds passed, long enough that Felix thought that Chris had fallen asleep again but a small pat on his back and a soft kiss on his hairline confirmed otherwise,  
“I got you Lixie. I’m not gonna leave you behind”   
The younger’s chest constricted a little and he didn’t know if Chris said it unconsciously, but he still appreciated those words just as much as he’d done over two years ago when choked out sobs had covered them.  
…  
Felix wasn’t one to hold a grudge. Not even if someone had been so nasty that they had made him feel completely empty and useless. He was emotional, a complete softie, and more than often cried if he couldn’t contain what he felt. But then he used that pain as fuel to get better, to grow stronger and for that he had to thank Chris as well, the ‘older brother’ part of Chris. The one that told him countless times in the past, when the night was just as dark as they were now and Felix had been crying silently for hours, that nothing else mattered than their family. That they were stronger than all the anti’s out there, all the haters, everyone that wanted to push them down. Those, even though it was a small amount, who still thought that Felix shouldn’t have debuted with Stray Kids because he was still struggling. The older brother who held him close in his bed until morning, wiped his tears away while softly reminiscing about the times he spent at 'Darling Harbour', watching tourists that were trying to find their way about the place and take photos of the landscape that he was so proud of. Or all the times he went to various Aquariums with his friends, and asked Felix if he used to go there as well. What his favourite animal had been and if they used to get ice cream afterwards, carefully inviting him to join the conversation while gently combing through his bleached hair.   
It frightened him. How highly he truly regarded the older. How much he longed for Chris, in ways that he could barely understand himself sometimes and so immensely that he would let the other do anything he wanted to him.   
Kick me out of the group?   
Sure, but call me once in a while so that I can hear your voice, even if you’d be yelling at me.   
Use me however you’d like?   
No problem. Just ask me, and I’d thank you.  
Fuck me over and not regret it at all?   
I won’t say a word, I promise. I’ll just walk away, but please just let me take one final hard look at you, so I won’t ever forget you.  
He knew, though, that none of those scenarios would ever happen because Chris respected their relationship far more than doing something that would jeopardize it.  
But it was still alarming. Still scary to think so.   
To put Chris on the pedestal that he knew the other would walk down from the very same moment, because Chris loved him, all of them, too much to regard himself as better than them. That he’d gladly take a bullet for all of them within a heartbeat with the knowledge that the feeling was mutual.  
So much time had passed now that Felix didn’t questioned what he was feeling anymore. It was comfortable, mostly because Chris was so uncomplicated. It was love. Just like he loved the other members, unconditionally and without a doubt. There was just a line that dug _a little deeper_ with Chris, a soft humming in his body when a moment passed and it was as if a thunder light struck down with jumpy electricity and Felix wondered for the hundredth time how he’d been able to keep quiet for so long because the other was just so amazing and everything that Felix aimed to be like. Helpful, talented, kind, relentlessly forgiving and lovable. So, so, incredibly good looking that the younger had to pause because that’s when the lightning hit- when the morning light through the kitchen window hit him just right and he stood next to the stove in a tank top and baggy shorts, smiling with dimples and sleepy eyes while Felix grabbed a cup of coffee from the brewing pot, or when they sat in the studio and the older was focused on work, eyes closed and completely zoned out to the world around him as he pushed the buttons of the Traktor controller and created music out of thin air. Eyebrows furrowed until he found the right tone, the right percussion, the right rhythm.   
Those were the moments when he felt like he was choking, and he wanted to say something. To do something reckless and dramatic like swing his arms around Chris neck and kiss him until white noise would buzz out the world around them or just spin the older around in the chair he composed music in, pull down the black sweats he usually wore and suck him off until Felix name would be all he’d say.   
...  
Yes, Felix was thankful for everything Chris had done for him and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to ever say all the things that he felt every day because he was so scared that the older one day would realize that Felix weren’t as great as he thought he was.   
Maybe that’s why he still held Chris on arm’s length from himself at times, even after all this time. Even after sleepless nights in the other’s arms with soft innocent kisses on the crown of his head. Even after they’d seen each other crying their eyes out, puking from stress and exhaustion, falling to their knees when they’d been dancing for hours. Seen each other naked when showering because sleep triumphed over any kind of modesty at all, slept in the same bed more times than they could imagine, heard the hurried breathy noises the other made just before he came, behind a locked bathroom door.  
Maybe he still held Chris at arm's length distance because he was hellbent on persuading everyone, the fans, the agency and everyone else that held a close eye on them, that he could do anything. Because that’s what an idol was. Sure of himself and in the zone to act out a personality that he’d build up over the years. To prove that he wasn’t the uncertain Lee Felix, 19 years old, from Sydney, Australia who craved cuddles and for people to say that they loved him but cool, collected, main dancer Felix.   
Stray Kids Felix.  
Confident enough to stand fully straight with a small smile and pinkie and thumb out while looking out over the audience of people in front of him.   
Maybe that’s why he flinched sometimes when Chris reached out for him all of a sudden. Why he felt like he needed to be stronger than he actually were at those times. Why he seemed so awkward when Chris pronounced his love for him with small touches or an arm over his shoulder when they did an interview or stood together to get their photos taken by fan sites and journalists alike at the airport.  
But he was greedy and amidst the acting, he always craved the others touch so much that he couldn’t stop himself at times, he wanted Chris to hold him so close with those strong arms of his and completely envelop his body, even though Felix wasn’t that much smaller and they were the same height. He had his fair share of muscles, lean and strong with stamina, abs that covered his stomach and a chiselled jawline that he considered one of his most powerful assets. But there was just something about Chris, and the way younger felt in his arms, that made him submit immediately.   
He was insatiable, always craving more of the other- more of his fingertips across his body and the way they traced over thin cotton shirts and jeans clad thighs. More of the way they traced through the locks of his hair, pulling on it slightly because he knew from doing so countless times before that it always made Felix hum with satisfaction. More of the way his breath felt against his naked neck whenever they hugged close. More of the look deep in the older’s eyes when he couldn’t help but push his hips forward against the snug warm place between Felix thighs, because they were too lonely and too bored on their days off and emotions ran high and hormones even higher. 


	8. Tickles and blue sheets

“Please, just stay a little longer” Felix voice was impossibly small, and Chris looked back at him with a pained expression.  
The winters in Seoul were usually cold, dry and with sharp winds that rattled the windows throughout the city. Today especially, was specifically unforgiving and they all basically fell through the entrance door to seek shelter as soon as they got home. They had been working all day, dance practise rounded off to tailored singing lessons and like usually when they prepared for a tour, hours passed quicker than they could keep up with. It was already dark outside and Chris stomach had grumbled for the fourth time, reminding him that it was late, and they needed dinner.  
“I have to, mate. We’re all starving”   
“Then let’s just order something” The younger groaned and rolled over in the bed with a pout on his lips.  
Legs tangled with dark blue bed sheets, dressed in a black trainers and a sweater from their own merch line, his pink hair in a birds nest, not a product on his face and Chris still had to bite down on the inside of his lip to stop the staggered breath that threatened to escape his lips. Their eyes met and Chris pressed his lips into something that resembled a small smile but felt more like a grimace while the younger grabbed his pillow and placed both arms tightly around it, the lining of his sweater had rid up slightly and a thin sliver of soft, light skin almost made the older squirm.   
Why was he like this? So defenceless against the way Felix unintendedly allured him. So lost against the way his friend looked at him with those dark, gentle eyes that begged him to join back into the warm bed again. To ignore the world with him as they listened to music and felt each other breathe. To just be vulnerable in the rare moment that now seemed to be over.  
“Felix” The older started but drifted off, not really knowing what he should say to explain how much he wanted to stay but knew that he couldn’t.  
“Chris” The younger replied and raised a teasing eyebrow when his friend tensed up from the lack of honorifics. A small smirk tugged on the corner of his lips and he couldn’t help the small yelp that slipped out when Chris jumped him in one sharp move.   
He screamed out a choked-up apology when Chris fingers latched themselves against his ribs as the older straddled him quickly while the younger was busy with trying to defend himself. But Chris was stronger and Felix hands were small enough for him to lock them above his head, with one hand of his own, while the other relentlessly travelled over his upper body. Spluttered curses mixed with hitched laughter and Felix gasped for air, begging the other to stop because he couldn’t breathe.   
“Okay, okay” Chris chuckled with a devilish grin still playing on his lips. The younger was inhaling hard underneath his body and for a few seconds they just stayed like that, trying to catch their breaths with playful glints in their eyes. One hand were still firmly locked over Felix’s but the younger didn’t squirm to break free and Chris suddenly became painfully aware just how close they actually were. From where he was seated, comfortably across his friend’s lower stomach, chest almost touching chest and face barely 3 decimetres from each other- Felix looked absolutely ethereal and he had to stop himself from cocking his head to the side; just to see him from another angle.  
“Chris, you- you can let go of me now” Felix didn’t phrase it as a question but neither as demand and he completely overlooked the fact that his friend once again skipped the honorifics while he felt a deep blush cover his ears when he met the youngers eyes again.   
It could’ve been his own imagination, but he could almost swear that something dark and overpowering shadowed them. An agitated arousal that was as raw and compelling as the one that he felt hammering in his own body.  
“Yeah, shit, sorry” He mumbled and let the younger go before he swiftly stood up again and tried his very hardest not to look at the bulge that was clearly outlined in the younger’s trainers, “I uh… I’m gonna make dinner… I- I’m sorry” He looked away, jaw clenched up and barely managed to catch how the younger cursed behind a hand that rubbed down his face.


	9. Cold showers and cold hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work has been killing me this week, I've had like 1 out of 7 free and no time to write so sorry that you've had to wait. This one is a little longer as well, but you might have to wait until Sunday evening (CET time) for the next chapter. I honestly just don't have time. I'll do my best ♥

“Hi”  
“Hi?” Chris sounded confused and Felix didn’t exactly blame him.   
It was late, almost too late for him to make a phone call. The analogue clock that ticked away on one wall of their kitchen, had already passed 2:30 am and Felix knew that he should be asleep. Not because they were doing anything incredibly important the next day, but because he needed all the rest he could get before their world tour would start.  
“Are you busy?” Felix asked and watched how snowflakes gently fell down onto the wet ground below, through the window of their glazed-in balcony.   
The tiles underneath his sock clad feet were cold and he regretted, with an unhappy purse of his lips, that he didn’t put on slippers before making the call .  
“Yeah, I- wait, are you ok?” Chris asked and his voice turned from confused and even slightly annoyed to worried, in a heartbeat,  
“Yeah, yeah…” Felix scratched the back of his head and felt a slight flush cover his cheeks, “I’m sorry for bothering you, I know you’re working- I just wondered if I could come and see you. I can’t sleep anyway, and I miss your face”  
The older snorted but Felix could hear how he was smiling, “You saw me this morning” he said with a teasing undertone and the younger felt how the flush got even deeper.  
“I know- sorry” He let out a small ashamed chuckle before he tightly scrunched his eyes shut and cursed the flustered feeling that enveloped his body. Why did he even call the other? He knew that Chris were buried to his neck with preparations and making sure that he’d finished enough material for their **next** comeback so he could focus wholeheartedly on the tour. A distraction would be the last thing he needed, “Nevermind. I- I should just watch some tv and try and get some sleep again”  
It was quiet for a couple of seconds and Felix moved the phone from his ear to make sure that the call was still ongoing before Chris spoke up again.  
“Or you could come to the studio. I… I could use some company”  
A giddy happiness that Felix would never admit to out loud did somersaults in the youngers stomach and he forced out a small,  
“I’ll be there in 10” and barely heard how the other said “Ok, see you” before he ended the call, sneaked back over the living room, through their kitchen, grabbed his thickest jacket from the wardrobe just before the hallway and put on a pair of warm boots before locking the door behind him and walked down the stairs.   
…  
The harsh wind nibbled on his ears when he powerwalked the distance to the agency with his chin securely hidden in the neckline of his jacket. Shoulders tucked up and hands firmly stuck his pockets. The building were completely blacked out, and he trembled with the key before unlocking the entrance door, shuddered and fiddled with his key card before swiping it to gain entry to the building at the lobby and then once again in the elevator before punching in the floor level while stomping in a fast pace to raise his body temperature. The elevator dinged and he blew hot air into his hands while walking down a few corridors before coming to a stop at the door of the studio. He knocked once, and courteously waited for a few second before he entered. The lightning inside was dimmed down and the fluorescence light from the three screens gave way to the deep contrasts in Chris face. He sat slightly slumped over the desk, legs parted with one ankle folded over the other underneath the chair and chin rested in his left hand while the right double clicked the mouse. He looked exhausted with deep circles under his eyes and hair tousled from continuously combing his fingers through it. Felix could feel his heart swell with pride when he looked at his leader and oldest brother; but also a sadness tugging on his heartstrings from the fact that he was able to be at home, allowed to sleep in a warm bed with the members around him while Chris sat here, still working, when the night were as dark as it could get. He almost wanted to turn on his heel right then and there, walk right back to the dorm, scrunch his eyes shut and force himself to sleep, just so that his friend’s sacrifice wouldn’t be for nothing.   
But he didn’t and the automatic door to the studio slammed shut after him. Chris looked up at the noise of it, met Felix eyes from underneath his furrowed brows and the youngers stomach flipped hard when the other’s eyes immediately soften and a dimple in his cheek made an appearance as a smile broke out, showing pearly whites while he sat up more properly and dragged one of the chairs behind him towards the desk.   
“Hi” He said, voice a bit raspy since he most likely hadn’t used it much since that morning when he told the rest of them that he’d be going to the studio and Felix felt absolutely ridiculous, like he was 14 years old again and crushing on the prettiest girl in school, when Chris fingers nestled in the pink locks at the back of his neck and his heart did a small flip, the moment he sat down.

“Hi” He answered and swallowed when the other pulled away from him to focus on the screen again.  
“Do you-” The older started, still with his eyes on the screen and wet his lips, almost nervously, “Do you wanna talk about it?”   
“Talk about what?” Felix asked back, maybe a bit too fast, and an anxious feeling quickly bubbled up in the pit of his stomach.   
Was he busted? Did Chris know about all the things he was feeling? Had he finally figured out what the younger had been hiding for years? That the reason why he couldn’t fall asleep was because of all the moments that had occurred between them these past days.   
Because of what had occurred earlier.   
When they’d just gotten home from yet another day of dance practise and vocal lessons and all of them just wanted to shower and eat before going to bed. A game of rock, paper, scissor decided the line-up for the showers, but Chris had been impatient and suggested that they’d shower together for efficiency. No one protested and Felix wanted to curse his life, the god he entrusted it with, his own body and Chris himself when the older bumped shoulders with him as they drew the same hand, a small friendly smile tugging on his lips but Felix was sure that it was only because of large pout he received from him.  
“Don’t fuck in the shower” was heard from Changbin in the sofa, just before Minho and Jisung closed the bathroom door and the younger of the two shouted back a slightly muffled, “You’re just jealous you can’t get laid” before snickers erupted between the members that laid sprawled around the living room, and Changbin just pressed his mouth into a miserable thin line.   
Felix was sure that his heart ran fast enough to give him a heart attack when it was finally their turn and the soft click of the door closing behind his friend almost made him flinch. He quickly shed his clothes, tried his very hardest not to break eye contact with the floor and could hear Chris chuckle softly to himself when he turned on the water.  
“We’ve showered together more times than I can remember and all of a sudden you’re shy?” His heart was pounding hard enough for him to hear it now and butterflies were fluttering so hard that it felt like he got punched by tiny boxing gloves at his solar plexus. Chris was right, **not looking** would be even more of an odd behaviour and he did a silent count of 3, 2, 1 before he inhaled sharply and gained some courage. But the air barely filled his lungs before he slowly had to breathe out again because he damn near choked on it. He bit down his tongue suppress a gasp and felt how his entire body deflated like a balloon because Chris stood there, naked before him. So incredibly gorgeous that Felix could only watch for a second before he looked away just as fast. He felt a blush cover his cheeks, went against the voice that told him to back away and took a step forward instead, held his hands out to collect some water before he splashed his face with it. Cursed himself again, opened his eyes and felt himself flush even deeper when he peeked behind the cracks between his fingers.   
_He really was screwed, wasn’t he?_   
To say that Chris looked amazing was an understatement. He’d been working out even more recently, how he even found that time was beyond Felix, and it certainly showed off. Everything about him, from the broad shoulders, to the stretched-out muscles on his arms when he reached up to shampoo his hair, to his toned chest and the abs on his stomach, _fuck_ … He swallowed hard. Looked away again when his eyes glanced far, _far too low_ for him to be comfortable with. He was naked for goodness sake and every thought about, _(Christ, how figuratively fucked could a person get?)_ About how perfect the older’s cock was and how perfectly good it would feel… nope, he was not doing this. He quickly turned around, patiently waited for Chris to wash away the shampoo and soap while firmly staring at his own, very noticeably, half erect cock to force it down with willpower alone because if Chris caught him like that, he’d understand everything and all that Felix had been working against would be lost.   
But Chris didn’t notice, thank god, and just chuckled again while placing a hand on Felix shoulder before exiting the shoulder.  
“That’s why I chose you mate, always so considerate”  
Felix just nodded, didn't think for a second about the fact that Chris had obviously cheated when they randomly picked shower-mates, gasped slightly when he took a step back into the cold water and felt how the heat from his flushed body and all grime and sweat from practise ran off him. He was finished before Chris had dried off and the older gave him a small smile before he opened the bathroom door again.   
Just thinking back on it made him flush again and he hung his head while plucking at a loose string in his woollen sweater to let his hair cover his cheeks as best as it could. Yeah… Felix would definitely _not_ tell him the reason why he couldn’t sleep, and he desperately hoped that the older hadn’t figured out why on his own.  
“You don’t have to tell me you know. If it’s something you want to keep private”  
He looked up, met Chris eyes swiftly and the gentle smile on his lips- the warmth and comfort and soft familiarity of it washed away all the bad feelings in Felix’s body,  
“Oh” The younger said and looked down again, shrugged and combed his fingers through his hair while sighing, “I uh-”   
Chris typed in something and a familiar western artist they both liked broke the silence between them, “I guess it’s just nerves” It was the most generic answer ever and the older looked over at his friend. Could see it on his expression that he only partly told the truth and there were more trouble in his mind that caused his insomnia. Resisted the urge to dig deeper because he was sure that Felix would’ve told him if it was serious enough. Maybe he was just as restless as himself, maybe he needed sleep as desperately but had too many things that were swirling in his head, too many worries, too many concerns and expectations and worries.   
“It’s ok” He reached out before his brain even registered it and Felix hand was cold in his own. He felt a hinge of regret that he’d invited the younger over and therefore forced him out into the harsh winter outside, but it only lasted for a second when Felix softly squeezed his hand. A smile on his lips that made Chris immediately smile back and his thumb moved over the other’s knuckles in a way that made both of their hearts flutter.   
And both looked away again, with shy smiles on their faces and a want that carried the same secret. 


	10. Dreams and sunlight

Chris was woken up by the sound of feet hitting wooden floorboards and then the soft rustling of clothes and bedsheets. He opened the eye that wasn’t pressed into a pillow, blinked a few times from the lights that shone through the edges of the sloppily pulled black-out curtains, turned around with a small groan and met Changbin’s eyes over the figure that he was holding. The younger gave him a warm smile, whispered a “Sorry for waking you up. It’s still early, you can sleep for an hour or two more” even though they both knew that Chris would probably join him in just 30 minutes or less, because he had a hard time going back to sleep if he’d woken up. Changbin gave him another smile, snorted slightly with deep affection when the person in Chris arms hummed in his sleep, before he turned on his heel and closed the door after him, enough so that there were only a small gap between it and the doorpost. None of them liked to have their doors fully closed but at this moment, when Chris turned his gaze to the sleeping person beside him, he wished that the door would be completely closed, so he could say all the things that he never spoke out loud to the silence between them.   
He’d be so corny about it too, from praising the fullness of the other’s eyelashes to the way his hair still looked perfect, even after at least a few hours of sleep. One hand were pressed flat against the younger’s back and he resisted the urge to gently stroke it over the softness of the other’s skin and tried not to think about the way that he knew how perfect his back arched down to a narrow flawless waist. Knew how consuming it felt every time his hand had gripped around that waist. How amazing it felt whenever his thumbs had rubbed down the other’s hip bones at times when he had to gently manhandle him to his place in a line-up or when they lied just like this and he had some piss poor excuse to touch the other because he simply couldn’t help but ease the burning fire that scorched his insides.  
He wet his lips, felt how his chest constricted from the ache there and wondered for a tense second if Felix would wake up if he dared to close the barely two decimetre distance between their faces. Wondered if the younger’s full pink lips were as soft as rosy petals, how well his cupids bow would fit against Chris’s own. Almost choked on his own breath from surprise and immediately decided against it when the other hummed in his sleep again, deep in a dream with eyes moving under his eyelids and a slight furrow on his brows.   
It must be cloudy outside because the sunlight that seeped in suddenly got even brighter and allowed Chris to be able to see every feature of his friend’s face. His gaze lingered on the freckles for a few seconds longer and he sighed deeply when he counted them, even though he knew the exact amount already. He found constellations in them, resisted the desire to brush away some hair that had fallen in the other’s face and covered some of them and felt how his heart clenched. He was sure, even though he didn’t believe in any sort of god himself, that some kind of ‘higher being’ must’ve blew star dust in the younger’s face before he was born.   
He knew how ridiculous it made him sound, and that was partly why he kept those thoughts to himself, but there was just something about Felix, even though Chris knew that the younger, obviously, was just as human as he was, someone who made mistakes and fucked up just as much as he did, something that made him seem other-worldly. Something that made him untouchable, like he’d been shaped in the image of an angel. He sighed again, felt how Felix unexpectedly pressed his small hand flat on his back and flushed their naked chests closer in his sleep. His breath hitched and was sure that if the younger would wake up right now, he’d feel how fast the other’s heart thumped against his own.   
It reminded him off yesterday, when he nearly blew his cover while they showered together and Felix, sweet and pure Felix, had turned around to give Chris privacy when he showered off the soap and shampoo on his body. Chris had been seconds from reaching out and placing both his hands around the other’s waist. Thankful that the shower temperature was nearly freezing when his brain quickly spiralled into a scenario of him actually pulling the other closer. How the other’s back would feel pressed against his frame, how the sweet milky skin at the nape of his neck would taste if he were to press a kiss there. The way that Felix’s breath probably would hitch when his hand pressed against his lower stomach to hold him closer. He’d press his other hand on his frame, feel him so close that they’d breathe in sync… and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from jolting his hips forward towards the slight swell of the other’s ass.   
“Chris?” Felix voice was deep and hoarse from sleep and the older almost choked on his own saliva when a divided reflex of needing to get away and wanting to stay close kicked in and he decided in a split second to not move at all when Felix eyes blinked open and he came face to face with the man he’d been having way, way too many explicit fantasies about these past few days.   
“Good morning” Chris said in their native language with a small smile that could almost convince himself that his heart wasn’t hammering away like he’d just ran a marathon.  
Felix blinked a few more times, raised his hand to rub his eyes and mumbled like he was talking about something completely mundane, “Your boner is poking at my thigh”  
Chris would thank the universe if he could die at that moment. If he could only be struck by lightning or a perfect Chris-shaped hole could suddenly appear, and he’d be swallowed up by the ground.  
“Fuck- sorry, I-” He scooted away and Felix frowned, either from the sudden coldness or the fact that he was still newly awake, and Chris guessed that it was most likely the latter since he covered his mouth when he stretched out and yawned so big that his eyes teared up a little,  
“It’s fine, it’s normal. We’re under a lot of stress, and I’ve kept you occupied since last night” The younger said while he kicked off the blanket and Chris bit down on his tongue.   
He really was perfect, this man that his mind and soul had chosen. From the divine frame with long, sculpted muscles, that nearly exquisite waist, the happy trail of fine, almost transparent, brown hair that disappeared into low hanging boxer shorts. Chris swallowed and knew that he only added fuel to the fire that burned like a wildfire through his body when his eyes graced the outline of the other’s half hard morning wood as well and he was _seconds_ , and too damn close, from giving in to his own desire that a cocktail of both anxiety and enticement punched him hard in the solar plexus and left him breathless.   
“Felix?” He could hear his own voice break and cringed at the weakness of it. Fully sat up with the blanket tangled between his legs and his stomach tangled in panic. Tried to gain courage when he realized that he couldn’t back down this time. He had to say something or do something- anything to calm the storm that raged in his mind daily- or he wouldn’t be able to focus at all the coming months of touring across the world.  
“Yeah?” The younger had stood up in the process of Chris’s train wreck of thoughts and met his gaze with bright but tired dark eyes.  
“Have you… ever kissed someone before?”


	11. Conflicts and confessions

_Have you… ever kissed someone before?_  
The sentence echoed inside Felix head and he could hear himself break out into a laughter, but he didn’t know why. Was it out of distress from the fact that Chris looked so serious? Or the fact that his knees suddenly felt like jelly because it was _Chris_ who had asked him? It sounded forced, either way, out of a nervous panic and he fully expected for Chris to start laughing with him, even waited for a few seconds, but the older only gave him a pained expression and the laughter quickly died out.  
“You’re serious”   
He only got a small nod in response and sat down on the bed again, because he was unsure if his legs could hold him up for much longer.   
“I uh- yeah… in Australia” The younger started and his brows furrowed when he tried to remember the moment, fingers fiddling with the edge of his boxer shorts, mostly to keep the whirlpool of thoughts in mind occupied, “Years ago, there was this girl. I was 13, maybe 14, and we had a BBQ party with some families in the neighbourhood and I dunno…” He shrugged and leaned back against his hands instead, “I remember that it was… rather messy and she tasted like mashed potatoes and gravy”  
Chris chuckled, and Felix could feel his cheeks flush because the older probably counted on hearing a dirty story of how Felix hooked up with the hottest girl in school and she’d learned him all the tricks in the book about what good sex was, like any other dude probably would.   
“Cute” his friend commented, and Felix shrugged again,  
“Why?”  
“Why what? Chris asked and the younger could see how the amused expression on his face dropped and something else shadowed his face. He looked… flustered. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.  
“Why did you ask?” Felix clarified and turned to him with one leg folded and the other still resting off the bed and this time Chris was the one who looked away.   
“Oh, no reason really. I just- I mean… I- I’ve never” he paused to look up at the ceiling and mumbled a soft, “Can’t believe I’m telling you this” and paused as if he debated on what he should say next, “I’ve never been kissed, ok? I’ve been close. Close to having hook-ups and… all that crap too. But- I mean- I joined back in 2010 and most of the time, I’ve spent here has been with the agency… and that has kept me busy,  
“Wait, wait, wait” Felix flayed his arms in front of him with a confused wrinkle on his forehead and a teasing grin that tugged in one corner of his lips, “You’re still a virgin?”  
Chris didn’t think that he wanted to crawl further into his own skin from embarrassment, but apparently, he did.   
“Aren’t you?” he asked back, and swallowed hard when Felix wet his lips while a small blush dusted his cheeks,   
“I uh… hooked up with a girl just two months after arriving” He sighed deeply and pressed his lips into a thin line, “It wasn’t my proudest moment. She was older and left the company about three months later” Chris’s brows rose as he tried to think back on who it might be and it was as if Felix had read his thoughts, “Yeah, no… I won’t tell who it was because you probably knew her” He sighed, “It was awkward as hell since I didn’t know at all what she was talking about and she could only speak basic English. Nevertheless, the D went into the V and no- hyung please don’t laugh” Chris was grinning at the innocent description and cleared his throat before he nodded to show that he could contain himself while Felix pinched the bridge of his nose in embarrassment, “What’s your excuse then? I managed within two months and you’ve been with the agency for seven years”  
“Yeah, that kinda why. I’ve seen so many people come and go, countless, especially during the first two years after I joined when most of us were between 13 to 16 that uh- that it always felt weird whenever you clicked with someone because you didn’t know if they were gonna be there the next month, or week or even day. I never really made a steady, true relationship with anyone, you know… and I’m not one to kiss just to get it over with. I want it to be with someone I care about. I need it to be something that I want to remember. I need to be with someone who won’t just throw me away after being with me… and now those chances have lowered significantly since we’re on a dating ban and there won’t be a chance in hell for me to be with someone…” He trailed off, unsure of the way he should phrase himself to not sound like a complete moron, “But none of that matters at all, really because I… I’ve found someone who I’d like to share that experience with”  
Something fractured inside Felix, much like a dry twig that broke in two, from those words and he froze for a second and tried not to grimace as he swallowed down the taste of bile in his mouth when he started up the fiddling again. Folded the lining of his shorts over and over again while he cleared his throat to make sure that his voice didn’t waver,  
“Is it someone I know?”   
“Well, yeah…” Chris sounded indecisive, like he was still unsure if this secret of his was something that he wanted to share.  
“Is it someone in the agency?” the younger asked next and begged a silent prayer that he wasn’t.   
He loved the people he’d gotten to know. Everyone that they worked with; the other idols, staff, higher ups… it would be such a pity to never be able to see one of them as something else than a threat.  
“Well…” Chris drifted off again and Felix sighed, frustrated and with a ball of uneasy suspense that rapidly grew in the pit of his stomach.   
What if it was another idol? Someone who Chris has been secretly crushing on for years? Someone who might reject his love and make him miserable and heartbroken, or even worse, someone who would actually accept his proposal.  
“Is it another idol?” He asked out loud and could see how Chris mouth fell open in his peripheral. Like he wanted to say something. But Felix couldn’t help the accidental word vomit that tumbled out through his mouth, “Is it someone from the staff then? You know how much trouble you’ll be in if there will be rumours about you and a girl from the same agency. Even more so if she’s from another group. You could potentially risk your career- our career. Is that really something you want?”  
“Felix…” Chris started out with a soft smile and reached his hand forward to nudge his fingertips against the back of the other’s hand.  
“No, I understand that you want a taste of real love. That you wanna experience things as well. That you wanna kiss someone and I dunno, make love to them and all that but-” The younger continued and felt how his cheeks flushed red with flustered, enraged irritation.   
“Felix, please listen” Chris begged him now but he only shook his head as his heart thumped harder in his chest, spreading a white noise through his body that made him deaf and the riled up emotions in his heart made him forget all the Korean he’d ever learned as furious and stumbling English spewed instead,  
“No, you listen. I’m not gonna sit on the sidewalk and watch as you completely ruin your life. I refuse to watch while the girl that you think you love is going to stomp all over you and leave you, because everyone always does. You’ve said that to me since we were trainees. Never put your heart out for anything else that the music and our family. We need to protect our integrity, the sliver of a person that we can keep to ourselves, even from Stay. The only ones we can trust are each other and I won’t allow you to ever feel sad because things don't work out the way you wanted. I- I lov-”   
Chris shook his head, sighed and clenched his jaw and Felix barely had time to reject when the older took his hands, whispered a small “I’m sorry” underneath his breath, jolted the younger forward, placed a hand on his cheek just in time and Felix landed with his lips pressed square on his friend’s with the momentum of his body.   
Three agonizing seconds passed before he realized what had just happened and he scrambled up, placed his hand on the other’s hard frame and tried to collect himself enough to break away but Chris just growled out a noise that resembled the sorta ‘No’ that he use to give the kids when they did something that went against his wishes and Felix inhaled sharply between their lips as his body froze. Hesitant fingers tangled in his pink hair and the gentle pulling on his scalp must’ve been the thing that woke him up because, Lord save him, _he was actually kissing Chris_ and the other didn’t pull away. Didn’t break them up with a teasing smile. Didn’t do anything at all that would suggest any sort of joking around.   
“It’s you, Lixie, It’s always been you” The other mumbled against his lips and the younger felt tears in his eyes from the confession when his whole body constricted from the flood of emotions that washed over him like a cold shower, “Not some other girl, not anyone that would hurt me. It’s always been you”   
There was a slight stubble on Chris's jaw, and it tickled the pads of Felix’s fingertips when he placed his hand there to deepen the kiss. Coaxed the other’s head to the side and it was sweet, consuming, intoxicating and the younger felt how his whole body demanded more with every shuddering beat of his heart. Needed more of the way that Chris hissed sharply against his lips when his tongue sneaked out to taste his lips. Craved more of the controlling behaviour that the other displayed when hands travelled from pink hair to pink lips and the younger could only exhale a low whine when Chris placed his thumb on his chin to force his jaw down and gain more access to his mouth. His fingers played with dark brown hair and if it weren’t for the fact that they weren’t alone, Felix would’ve placed one hand on the other’s chest to push him down on the bed. The feeling was captivating, the sounds that Chris made when he gently pulled on his hair, the harsh, raw enticement that boiled in his body when Chris placed an arm around his waist to press them closer. The exposed sense of familiarity of Chris's body against his own but in a way that he could never dream of actually experiencing. The musky smell of sweat and naturally scented soap and Chris’s cologne.  
A song as ancient as time flooded through their systems and turned them blind when the craving that had been silenced for years finally was brought up to the surface and it was wet, sloppy, downright nasty and Felix wanted to moan. Wanted Chris to hear just how much he had the younger wrapped around his little finger at the moment. But a loud snicker interrupted their moment and both men quickly turned around towards the door where Seungmin and Changbin slowly opened the door,  
“Took you guys long enough” A smile on both their faces just before they closed the door again when a pillow was thrown in their direction.


	12. Cottonball confusion and an aiplane takeoff

Chris had made a mistake. A dangerous, fateful mistake.   
What had he been thinking off, really?   
Three days had passed since **that kiss** and the anxiety that had poisoned his brain the moment everything had gone back to normal had only increased as minutes turned to hours and hours into days. The laptop on his outstretched knees had been untouched for the last 20 minutes and he knew that a lady’s voice would announce the departure for their flight at any minute now. Thoughts were flooding his brain and he couldn’t focus, could barely even sit still and constantly squirmed around in the seat while his gaze wandered to the younger man dressed all in black a few seats down. The hairdressers had enhanced the fiery red that was in his hair already and that, with the combination of various expensive brands, nearly made Chris feel like he didn’t belong in the other’s presence.   
To say that they had avoided the subject of Chris mumbled confession was an exaggeration. Time had simply passed so quickly that they sort of just fell back into their regular routine of ‘before tour preparations’ and even though the older had caught Felix with his mouth open at times when they were alone, like he wanted to say something but changed his mind the very last second, he never brought it up himself either. To say that it was physically slowly killing him was maybe an exaggeration as well, but it definitely hurt to not really know how Felix felt. Maybe he took pity in Chris and the way that the older had thrown himself into the other’s arms the moment he kissed back, or maybe the reason as to why he constantly stopped himself from talking about it was because he regretted it, or maybe he’d realized what he had done… that he hadn’t been given any other choice but to kiss back because Chris was the one who had basically forced the younger upon him with that hard tug on his body.  
Chris rubbed his eyes, tiredly and felt how the cloudy confusion in his mind flopped around like cotton balls in a tumble dryer.   
‘Communication is key’ - that’s what he used to tell the members whenever a conflict would arise between them. ‘If you speak aloud how you feel towards each other, there won’t be any turmoil within the group’   
So why was it so hard to just take a hold of the other and demand an answer? He had placed his heart out there. Committed his confession about the fact that he was attracted to the other and Felix… He looked up again, just in time to catch deep caramel coloured eyes and felt his heart flip in his chest when the younger gave him a small sweet smile. The corners of his eyes crinkling with that red hair poking up underneath a beanie and Chris felt how his chest constricted slightly when he tried to return it, but felt how it turned more into a grimace than an actual smile and Felix looked away again when the manager beside him asked him a question… Well… Felix seemed like the moment between them hadn’t happened at all.   
A miserable feeling spread through the older’s body and he closed the laptop with a small huff before packing it away and stood up to stretch just as the lady’s voice urged all passengers to New York city to come to the designated gate.   
“Are you ok, hyung?” Jeongin asked him with slight worry in his voice and Chris nodded with a bad feeling in his heart. Lying didn’t felt natural and the other’s brows furrowed like he could see right through him,  
“Really?” he asked, and Chris gave him a small smile,  
“Yeah, I’m fine” he said, almost a bit too fast to be completely honest and nodded with a smile while the youngest gave him a look that clearly spoke of his disbelief but didn’t press on with the subject and Chris felt even more guilt than before.   
Felix came to stand right after him in the queue, glanced over at him and gave the older another small smile while he still talked to their manager and Chris only nodded back, unsure if Felix had already seen through the anxiety that he bore like a thick, heavy blanket around his shoulders. The slight air conditioning throughout the hall sent a gentle gust of wind towards him and he exhaled deeply through his nose when the smell of Felix cologne hit him like a slap in the face.   
What the fuck was he supposed to do now?   
He didn’t feel like talking to the other would solve anything, since the other seemed to be in denial, and as early as the next day, they would have to be at their very strongest when the first concert would set the starting point of their world tour. Apprehension and fear beeped in his head like an alarm that he couldn’t turn off and he was afraid that he’d do something he’d regret, like kiss the other again or, God forbid, actually be stupid enough to say that he loved him, more than just a brother.   
He was close enough already, since he passed that line a few days ago when he confessed that Felix was the one that he’d always wanted to share his first kiss with… but then again, that could easily be interpreted as just the physical part of what he was feeling-  
“Your boarding ticket, sir?”   
His thoughts were interrupted by the sweet airline lady who held forward her hand and a deep blush spread over his cheeks when he realized that the queue had moved along forward while he was still deep in thought.  
“Yeah, sorry” He mumbled and dug through the side pocket of his bag before giving it to the lady who only gave him a professional and understanding smile before she held it underneath the green light and welcomed him onboard.   
He scrunched his eyes shut with shame for a few steps while walking down the corridor towards the airplane and felt how a familiar hand pressed flat on his back halfway there, causing him to open them again with a hitch of his breath. He knew who it was before the other person even spoke and felt an even deeper embarrassment when a tingling sensation rippled over his skin when that hand travelled up and soothingly squeezed his shoulder.  
“Hyung?”   
“Felix?” He responded and turned to the younger, who was still latched at his side.   
There was a worry in his friend’s eyes that he desperately wanted to take away, but he didn’t know what to say- or even do- to make him feel like Chris was ok, simply because he wasn’t, and _he knew_ that _Felix knew_ so as well. They had worked side by side for a little over two years and nine months by now, after all, and sometimes it scared him just how well the other could sense when something was wrong.  
“Really, I’m fine. It’s just nerves, I promise” he tried to explain, and Felix only gave him a look, much like the one that he’d received by Jeongin just a few minutes ago.   
Chris could see that the younger wanted to say something more, but they had arrived at the plane and both of them respectfully bowed at the cabin personnel who stood at the entrance to welcome the passengers. They found their seats and Chris squinted at the number on his boarding card and then at the seat, which was currently occupied by their youngest who held tight grip around Hyunjin while the one-year older boy only gave Chris an exhausted look.   
Chris himself must’ve looked quite confused because Jeongin only stuck his tongue out and sang, “I wanted to sit next to Hyunjinnie, I’ve missed him soooooo much” while the targeted dark haired next to him only groaned with a curled lip and gave him a look of faked disgust.   
Chris could’ve given Jeongin a sharp glance that would quickly get the younger up on his feet and squirm back to his place, but he knew the reason why he did what he’d done when Felix clasped a hand around his arm and led him two seats down before he gently pushed him into the seat next to his own.   
The members knew him, and he hated to admit so sometimes. He knew that either Seungmin or Changbin (or both) had spilled the beans about the kiss that had happened and even though Jeongin was still young- he wasn’t stupid, and he must’ve put one and one together and understood the reason why the older seemed so lost in thought. Chris looked up at him when he stood up and took off his hoodie, met Jeongin’s eyes when he had stood up to do the same, sent a thankful nod in the youngest direction and received a warm smile back.   
He leaned back in his seat and looked out the small window while waiting for the rest of the passengers to board. A member from the staff sat down in the empty seat next to Felix and Chris glanced over to nod at her while the seat belt sign turned on with a small ding just as a man’s voice could be heard over the speakers, welcoming everyone to the airline and introduced himself and the cabin crew. The captain held a small information speech about the trip, when it was estimated that they would be in the US, the weather report, when food and refreshments would arrive, thanked everyone again for choosing their airline and urged them to keep the seatbelts on when sitting still in the seat. Some from the cabin crew came to stand in the middle of the walkway for a safety demonstration and Chris only listened with one ear, tired and antsy from the feeling of turmoil inside his mind with Felix pressed against his side.   
He felt silly, since just the feeling of clothes rubbing against clothes shouldn’t make him that breathless and looked out the window again while his fingers fiddled with his phone. The younger’s breathing against him nearly made him pout and a ray of conflicted emotions made his stomach flip. If there was a price to pay to make everything turn back to how it was before he had decided that it was a good idea to just give in and press his lips against one of his nearest friend’s a few days before they had to spend every waking hour next to each other, he’d gladly pay it… and with that conclusion in mind, he knew that he’d made a mistake. A mistake that even Felix, who was usually expressive once he’d gotten his thoughts in order, didn’t want to talk about.  
The older of the two seriously wondered if this was it.   
This was going to be their relationship from now on, wasn’t it?   
Because he was stupid enough to express how he felt- in the worst possible way.  
“Hyung?” Felix asked, just as the plane started to reverse out onto the runway. Chris turned to him, a bit reluctant but forced forth a smile nonetheless, “You sure you’re ok?” and the English with that familiar Aussie accent of his made the older’s heart clench, because he wasn’t ok.   
Not even nearly so.   
He felt like he wanted to cry.   
Like he wanted everyone to disappear around him so that he could take a hold around the strings of Felix hoodie, pull him towards himself and kiss him again until his lungs would burn from the lack of air. He wanted to remove the other’s beanie and comb his fingers through the freshly dyed red hair, to escape from his own persona as an artist and hold Felix as close as he physically could, to pick up where they left off three days ago and fully lose himself in the intimacy of the other’s presence and just stay there.   
But he couldn’t. Because they were surrounded by staff, other unnamed people and probably a few still unknown saesangs and he felt trapped in his own skin.   
“I’m fine, Lixie. Don’t worry about it” he could hear himself say and the younger shook his head with a disappointed look on his face,  
“I will stop worrying when you stop lying” and an ever deeper feeling of guilt exploded inside of him, like black smoke that licked the inside of his skin and spread through his body, when his friend put in headphones, closed his eyes and clasped his hands together in his lap as the planes motor roared, and the noise of it competed with the noise that started up in Chris head when he turned his gaze back through the window. His own hands still fiddled with his phone and as the scenery passed by faster and faster Chris didn’t know if the sick feeling in his stomach was because of the air pressure when they finally took off or because he doubted that his relationship with the man beside him would ever be the same.


	13. White ceilings and honey water

Felix rarely regretted anything. He didn’t regret leaving his parents, his sisters, his friends, the comfort of his home and his whole everyday life to pursue a dream that might not even work out for him in not only another country, but another continent- a whole other world than the one he’d been raised in. He didn’t regret joining JYP, didn’t regret for a second when he said yes with butterflies in his stomach after Chris had approached him and asked if he wanted to join the group he was building. He didn’t regret debuting with Stray Kids, didn’t regret any of the music they’d put out, or the showcases, or the music videos. Of course there had been times when he’d been unhappy with a performance or troubled the few times when he couldn’t give it his all.  
But from memory alone, he could probably count the times when he’d felt regret on both hands, and the kiss that happened a few days ago- was one of them.  
Now… the problem was that he didn’t feel like he’d made a _mistake_ with kissing back the person that sat on one of the top five pedestals that Felix had reserved for the people that meant the most for him, and that was exactly the reason why he regretted doing it so much. Simply because it felt so right, and so good, to _finally_ just give in and let go of the mask that he constantly held in front of his face, even though he knew that it hadn’t been a good idea from the start. To let his feelings out in the open like that. To allow Chris to peek behind the blind that he held up, high enough to cover himself completely.   
It was dangerous.  
Reckless.  
Not at all like him to lose his otherwise so secure footing and let go.  
He might be young and therefore still a bit naive when it came to love, but he knew what he was feeling and that he was feeling something for Chris- more than the love for a bigger brother and the admiration you had towards the leader of the group that you were in. He also knew that he had been having those feelings for quite some time- maybe even longer than he wanted to admit- even to himself. There had never been a problem either, it didn’t even seem like much of a problem now but the younger had blown it out of proportion, had refused to talk to Chris and acted like everything was normal.  
Because what else was he supposed to do?  
Confess and ruin the precious sliver of intact friendship that they still had?  
It was hard enough not to, _had been hard_ enough not to- even before the kiss. To pretend like he wasn’t slowly suffocating on the inside. To put on a facade that everything was ok, now when he had finally tasted the lips that he’d dreamed about for what felt like ages… and yet- here he was.  
Leaned back and propped up against all the pillows that the hotel room provided, on crispy white sheets with a cup of hot honeyed water in one hand and his phone in the other, scrolling through the twitter tag of his leader and nearest friend like a love sick fanboy instead of just charging his anxiety head-on, walk out to the corridor outside his room, close the two door distance, have a proper talk and solve the tension that clearly was between them.   
It was late and Minho, who he shared the room with even though it was first planned that he would share with Chris, still hadn’t gotten back from his snack trip to the supermarket with Jisung. Felix honestly doubted that he’d be back at all as time pressed on, and guessed with a small pout, while he locked his phone and placed it face-down on the bed, that he would be sleeping alone.  
For the first time, in a very, _very_ long time.   
He sighed, leaned back against the pillows even more and took a sip of the sweet hot drink before resting the cup on his stomach, gaze locked on the white ceiling above while thoughts moved like a never-ending conversation in his head. Sceneries popped up from the kiss and seemed to move backwards in time- like a movie. He thought about what Chris meant to him- what he really meant to him and felt how his whole body grew warm as he blushed and sighed out deeply and slowly though his nose.   
Hopelessly.  
He thought about every conversation, every hug and every innocent press of lips on the crown of his head that he could remember. Every time Chris fingertips would trace over his skin like he was made out of glass. Like he would break underneath the gentle pressure of his touch at any moment. He thought back on every time the older one got lost in thought and Felix eyes would be the first ones he’d searched for because… ‘because of what?’ He asked himself and frowned. Because he didn’t want Felix to wander off on his own? Because he never wanted Felix to disappear from him ever again? Because he needed Felix as much as the younger needed him and he only wanted to make sure that Felix was… what?… safe? Protected from all harm?   
He scoffed at himself and blamed the tension between them and the thick suspense from meeting their fans again for the lovesick hormones that swivelled in his mind. Rubbed down his face and blinked tiredly when a dull headache thundered in his head.   
If he only knew what to say- or even do- to make Chris understand just how he was feeling, without him needing to sit down face to face and actually tell him. If he could only escape the pure fact that the inevitable moment when he had to say what he felt, was nearing every day… If he could only explain with words that he was sick and tired from the lighting that struck into his body at any given moment he spent with the older. That he just wanted an outlet from the raging desire and despair that cracked him in two conflicted emotions of both wanting more of the other’s touch because he _craved. so. much. more_ and also forcing himself to push the other away because it hurt too much to constantly stop himself from giving into _that feeling_ that spending time with the other quickly turned into an aching, burning torture.   
He sighed deeply again, sipped on his honey water- which was slowly becoming lukewarm by now and forced himself to sit back up and he picked up his phone again with a deep sigh, went into his camera photos, enhanced a photo that he’d taken off Chris just when Autumn began to turn into Winter. Felix had taken the photo from the floor and a bright sun outside shone into their living room and played with the chestnut reflections in the naturally curly brown hair, which grazed his forehead. He was faced away from the camera, eyes on the tv in front of him, mouth slightly open from drifting off into what he was watching, and Felix cursed himself while his gaze lingered on the others body. The way that his loose shirt still stretched over a hard frame and sculpted muscles.   
Chris who had asked him if he’d ever kissed someone before.   
Chris who had wondered if the younger was more experienced than him.  
Chris who trusted him fully enough to tell him that he was the one he always wanted to share his first kiss with, while his lips pressed against Felix own and he sighed again, because he’d been stupid enough to believe even for a minute that the things that the older had told him, **_‘It’s always been you’_ **meant anything else than physical attraction- something that Felix was aware off anyway since he knew Chris nearly as well as the other knew himself and it was tough, impossible really, to live eight guys under one roof with a secret. It was an understatement that hormones ran high when they did the sort of choreo they did, with the lack of personal space they had, or the moments when they were all pressed together in front of the tv and someone accidently popped a boner. Felix could admit it himself, he was good looking, not more than the other members but enough so that he was placed in the “visual line” unit.  
So for Chris to take out his personal wishes- to kiss someone he fully trusted- and for that person to be Felix, shouldn’t bother the other if it wasn’t for the aching pain, he felt in his body from the simple fact that it wasn’t more than that. It made him feel greedy and nearly angry, not at Chris but himself, for allowing that… hunger in him to take such an immense control.   
His phone fell back onto the bed when he felt the mixed emotions of frustration and annoyance boil in his body.  
This had to stop.  
He couldn’t feel like this for the rest of this tour, they had eight cities to cover the following two and a half week and he knew that he wouldn’t be himself- at his best- if he’d be worrying about Chris and the way that he felt about the older. That would potentially affect the performance and even the other members and he couldn’t allow that.  
He downed the rest of his water and dragged himself out from underneath the safety blanket he’d woven over himself for years. Placed one foot in front of the other until he stood at Chris’s door, fear in the pit of his stomach and his heart pounding like he’d ran a marathon.  
“Felix?” Chris asked with heavy surprise and the younger straightened his back even further while he gave his friend a strict expression,  
“We need to talk”


	14. Curly, brown hair and almost three years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helluuuuu. I wanted to split up this chapter in two first for the word consistency (or whatever you call it) But decided to keep it as one. So this one is longer, 3200 instead of the regular 1200-2100! Yay!! I hope you like it!  
> Please do comment. It really gives me motivation to sit down and write even the days when I've worked a full shift. Just a simple "aaaaaaah" is enough because that's what I felt when I wrote this lmao  
> Love you all ♥

_Fuck._  
Fuck, fuck, fuck.  
This was really happening right now, wasn’t it?   
Felix had it all figured out- from Chris embarrassing lovey-dovey feelings to the even worse gut-wrenchingly intense attraction he had towards the other.  
He might as well pack the suitcase already and pull out his computer to write a thank you speech to both Stay and JYP because there was no way in hell that Felix would want to stay around him, and there was no way in hell that he could do Stray Kids without him.  
“Can I come in?” the younger asked and Chris only nodded and stood aside since he didn’t believe that his voice would be even half as clear as he needed it to be.  
He sat down on Chris bed and motioned for Chris himself to do the same and holy shit, just a short while had passed- not more than two hours, but the older could feel how his body ached to touch the other. Throw an arm around his shoulders, hold his hand, or just be close enough so that he could hear the younger’s heartbeat or feel the soft ticking of his pulse.  
 _Felix._ The sweet friend he’d watched grow up from a teenage boy to a young man during the time they’d spent with each other.   
_Felix._ Who had naturally curly brown hair just like himself, eyes with the colour of sunlight through a glass of bourbon and freckles that painted his face like a sky-vault full of stars.  
 _Felix._ Who had so much talent and so much kindness and respect and always chose well-spoken words and could make him laugh in seconds.  
 _Felix._ The one that he had fallen headfirst into a wall for- or well- at least it felt like that.  
“We need to talk” the younger said again and Chris sighed while it felt like he just got doused in cold water,  
“I’m sorry” he started but the younger swiftly shook his head,  
“No, wait- just hear me out for a second, please” Felix interrupted, paused, inhaled sharply and then took a hold of Chris’s hands, while the older shifted his gaze to them with surprise before he looked back up at his friend.   
Felix was nervous, it was clear as day- from his warm hands where sweat had already collected in the lines of his palm, to his stiff straighten back, to the slight flush on his cheeks and eyes that flickered with uneasiness.   
“I uh…” The younger started out, felt how his voice broke a little and tried to think about what to say next in Korean but the line between the knowledge of his second language and his mouth seemed to be severed from the suspense in his body. He swallowed hard, took another deep breath, squirmed a bit in his seat and settled for English before gaining some courage, “I’ve always admired you… you know. Always thought big of you. You’ve always been a role model; someone that I can trust with anything”   
‘And this is it’ Chris thought, ‘This is the moment when he’ll say goodbye’  
“I know that I can speak to you about anything and yet… this uh... is” He cleared his throat and squeezed Chris's hands in his while a weak smile tugged on his lips, “This is harder to say than I thought it was gonna be…”   
“It’s ok. Just take your time” Chris said and forced forth a small smile, even though he felt like he was going to get sick from the violent turmoil that raged in his body and ripped him open like a bunch of starved out wolves.   
“I uh… I know that you always say that communication is key and that we shouldn't keep things to ourselves and… I’ve kept silent about this for far, far too long”  
‘Yep. He’s definitely leaving. Fuck. It’s because of the kiss isn’t it?’ Chris’s head was spinning with thoughts and he felt how his smile was starting to ache on his lips from the strain of keeping it there.  
“It’s just that… I’ve always respected our relationship, you know? I’ve tried my best to be the ultimate version of myself for so long- but not as long as you of course since you had a way, way longer training period-” He chuckled nervously, wet his lips and cleared his throat to cut the chuckle short, “and it’s not that it’s tough or anything, or well, it is… sometimes but I choose the life as an idol and I should’ve known what I committed myself to and, and I- I don’t regret it! it’s just that-” His thumbs brushed over Chris pinkie and the knuckle above and the older reciprocated the touch which seemed to put his friend, at least slightly, back on track, “Well… all the times when I have- when I’ve broke down, you’ve been there for me- I mean… the other members have as well but I uh- one part of me deep down always feels more comforted when you’re the one who listens to me. When you are the one that holds me and tells me that we’ll get through it together. Even more so when I realized that all the times that you’ve been stricter with me- not that it matters much, I know that I have a hard time listening sometimes too… you spent all those times teaching me and scolded me because you cared for me and not because I did something more wrong than anyone else-“ He rolled his eyes and cringed at his own words, “Fuck… I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I guess that I just really wanted to say that I appreciated all those times” He took a deep breath and cursed under his own breath when he realized that he’d been rambling” I mean it… I really value that you’ve been there. To pat my back and reminisce with me about Australia, to let me spend time with you at the studio, to not protest when I’m at my weakest and crawl down into bed next to you, even though Changbinnie-hyung and a lot of the other members probably would appreciate a cuddle buddy more than you… I mean- shit, this turned out messier than I wanted-“   
“You wanna leave” Chris finished and squeezed Felix's hands while his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach, “Its fine, mate” He placed a hand on Felix shoulder when the younger gave him a puzzled look, “I know you. You don’t have to tell me the reason. I support you and I’ll help you getting through it”  
“No, I…” Felix shook his head and chuckled with a deep nervous apprehension that stained his words like dark, tar coloured ink, “No… I don’t wanna leave… why would I want that?”  
A few seconds passed and Chris felt how his mouth fell open with abrupt surprise. The hand on Felix shoulder faltered a little and he could see how the other tensed his jaw when it finally lost its grip completely and fell back in Chris lap.  
“You… don’t?” Chris asked back and felt how a small shred of light filled hope hacked its way through the thick darkness that had been occupying his mind since they got off the plane a few hours ago, “Then why?”  
“I was gonna say that I- I… need more of that” Felix concluded and they both grew awfully quiet.   
Felix looked down on their hands and the older could feel how his friend’s pulse had picked up through the thin skin on his wrist while he clenched up his jaw again to fight off the tears that had built up in his eyes just before he looked away,  
“More of what?” Chris asked and desperately wanted the other to meet his eyes again so that he could see him.   
Felix sighed and chewed on his lower lip, but Chris could still see how it quivered when he finally looked up but avoided his friend worried gaze and looked out the bedroom window to his right instead. He blinked, took a shuddering breath and tears quickly stained his cheeks but he didn’t cry out, didn’t make a sound at all and Chris felt how his own chest constricted from the deep swallow that he forced down to keep his own feelings at bay. He wanted to stop himself, mostly for Felix dignity since he didn’t want the other to think that he pitied him, but couldn’t and more tears slipped out and wet his fingers when Felix scrunched his eyes shut while his friend wiped his tears away. He took another shaky breath, exhaled and repeated the process before he opened his eyes and gave Chris the brightest smile he could offer,  
“I need more of _you_ , mate… _I need more of you_ ” He shrugged and swiped away underneath his eyes when more tears fell, with an agitated motion, “Nothing else, nothing less. Just you”  
… Wait… so Felix wasn’t upset because he wanted to leave? or because he was angry with Chris because the older had fucked up their relationship? He wasn’t upset because- oh wait.

… _Oh._

If they would be standing, Chris would most likely be on the floor right now from the pure vertigo that exploded through his entire system.   
That’s how hard his entire world flipped.   
_Fuck._  
“Do you understand?” Felix asked and cleared his throat when the words fogged up from choking down the tears for too long. His Adam’s apple bopped when he tried to swallow hard to prevent more from falling but it didn’t help much at all as sobs finally broke through anyway, “I love you. I’ve loved you for so long that it fucking hurts”  
 _Fuck._  
“You hear me? Why the fuck would I ever want to leave? I owe you my life. My happiness. If it weren’t for you, I’d-”  
And then Chris kissed him. Because it seemed like the only reasonable thing to do.   
It hurt a bit when their noses brushed together in an awkward clash of lips and reckless desire and Chris winced slightly when the pain shot through him, but it quickly disappeared because Felix tasted of honey and wet salty tears and he was already flying before the younger reached forward and gripped around the collar of his sweater to flush them closer. He cried out another choked up sob onto Chris lips before the older’s back hit the bed and he didn’t even realized that he’d been tackled until Felix’s body straddled his and he had to place a hand on the other’s chest to pull them apart for just a second because he couldn’t breathe.   
“I love you too. I love you too” He managed to say before eager hands found themselves in his hair to deepen the kiss between them and he could only breathe out a muffled whine when the younger took control completely.   
“I swear to God Christopher, if you don’t put your hands on my body…” Felix mumbled out between their lips and the others chuckle got swallowed up by the wet, sloppy sound of tongue against tongue and nearly three years of an equal suppressed and burning yearn.   
If it wasn’t for the sweet growling gasps that escaped the younger’s lips when Chris placed his hands on tense, trembling thighs and let them travel up his hips before settling around that narrow waist that he adored so much- he would think he’d be dreaming.   
But Felix was very much there.   
They’d gone out to eat after arriving and the younger had changed into a pair of ripped, washed out blue jeans which Chris, by then, probably never could’ve guessed would feel so good underneath the pads of his fingertips. Red hair tickled his cheeks and that cupid’s bow, that he’d hoped would feel perfect against his own but wasn’t able to reflect much about when they kissed the first time, was everything that he’d ever dreamed off as the other moved against him like they had been kissing for ages. Longing but tense, nervous hands moved from the roots of his hair down over his throat and collarbones and the younger gently broke them off with a soft inhale of loss from his friend before their eyes met again and the older felt how his breath got stuck in his throat and he nearly had to cough.   
That’s it.   
_This was it._   
Tears glazed his eyes and he felt how his whole body filled up with such a joyous jubilation that it felt like he was going to burst. Felix. No… _his Felix_ looked back at him while his fingertips fumbled with the zipper of his sweatshirt, but Chris didn’t mind. He could give a fuck all if the world would end at that moment as long as the other didn’t break the eye contact between them. Couldn’t give a damn if he'd dropped dead the very next minute, because the weight of Felix's body on his own was so mind-numbingly good that he wanted to cry and he could hear how he took a staggered breath while looking at him with those brown, nearly black from arousal by now, eyes of his that held so much love and devotion that Chris could feel himself blush. His heart ached, but it was a good ache this time. An ache that reminded him that the moment they had wasn’t just a conjured-up imagination and that Felix was just as needy and filled up with the same overpowering, buzzed out anguish that he felt as well. He never thought that he’d actually feel the way he did at that moment. Like nothing else mattered but the man that sat across his lower stomach and the immense love that he felt for him. It was consuming, mesmerizing and Chris was at a loss of words while the younger swallowed hard when the open zipper split his sweater in two across his chest and he realized that the other didn’t wear anything underneath.   
Chris opened his mouth, to defend himself but didn’t get very far before Felix splayed his hands across his frame and he could only exhale a small groan when those hands travelled down to the muscles on his stomach which constricted when the younger circled his fingers around the top two ones. All Chris could hear was his heartbeat in his ears, his own harsh breathing and the small gasped out groans that Felix did when the older’s hands gripped harder around his waist and pushed him backwards, both to allow him more access to Chris body but also for the older to be able to jolt his body up towards him because the more minutes that passed with the younger on top of him- the more minutes he found himself losing his grip of the small piece of composition he had.   
“I’ve dreamed about this…” Felix started and even though he had a slightly hard time to breathe from the way that his friend felt just above his crotch, Chris still choked out a small,  
“For months?”   
“For years, mate” the younger answered and something dark and guilty glinted in his eyes when he shifted his gaze to meet Chris for a few seconds before he looked away again with a deep blush that quickly covered his cheeks,  
“Me too” the older admitted and Felix scoffed softly,  
“We’re idiots”  
“Nah” Chris disagreed, “We were careful” and his fingers brushed against the pink flush over his friend’s cheeks while he traced invisible lines between the dots that adored them,   
He could see Felix swallow hard again while he just watched his older friend. His breath in his throat and heart thumping in his ears. The other was so gentle, and he wanted to squeeze his eyes shut, because the feelings that enveloped his whole body like a warm duvet after being outside a rainy autumn day in late November, was nearly too much to handle,   
“Come here” Felix said softly instead and something in the rawness of his voice split Chris’s heart in two when he leaned up to meet the other’s lips again.  
It was sweet this time, delicate even and Chris couldn’t help the small hesitant thrust that quickly made his whole skin tingle because Felix gasped out a deep, raspy moan between their lips when he felt the outline of other’s hard cock press against him. The older’s hands moved and Felix barely registered it before he felt them sneak underneath his shirt and separated them, just for the few seconds it took for him to pull it over his head. He choked on his breath when Chris’s fingers traced his own abs and he couldn’t help- just like Chris- but constrict them as well and his friend just snorted out a small chuckle before whispering “Show off” between their lips.   
Chris was just about to move his lips down underneath the other’s jaw and flick his thumb over one hard nipple when they both jumped from the melody of a phone ringing. It was Chris’s and he gave Felix an apologetic look before he stretched his hand out and grabbed it from the bed stand table, checked the caller’s name and answered with a hurried hello.   
“Minho-ah… Yeah… yeah he’s here” He said and glanced at Felix before combing his fingers through his hair, “I’ll tell him, sure. Yeah, goodnight”   
He sighed, wet his lips and tried not to wince from the pleasure that rippled through his body when the younger leaned back and rubbed against his cock slightly, “Minho wondered where you were. He wanted you to come back so he could go to bed” Chris answered Felix tried his very hardest to just sit still and not squirm any further when the older hooked his finger through one of the belt loops of his jeans and pulled, just enough to move him a little. Restless and horny but knowing that they had a big day tomorrow and had to be up early. Fucking in a hotel room when Jisung, who obviously was back as well, could walk in at any second was not really ideal.   
“So… we good?” Felix asked as he pulled his shirt over his head again and rose up again in one swift movement.  
“Yeah. We good” Chris answered and tried not to stare at the outline of the other’s cock in his jeans.   
“So I get to call you Chris now?” The younger joked as his friend gave him a sharp look while standing up as well.   
“I’d let you call me whatever you want when it’s just the two of us, otherwise it’s hyung”  
“Well, what does this relationship bring to the table then?” Felix asked and tried not to quake underneath Chris's authoritative gaze.   
But there was still a glint in his eyes that was almost too dangerous for the older to handle so he did the only reasonable thing he could do again, and became deeply unsure if he’d ever get over the way that the younger sounded when he grabbed around his wrist, pulled him sharply against himself and pressed a kiss on those full lips again.


	15. Deep talks and a precious friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify. I know that the roommates were different in real life, than the ones in this fanfic. I changed it for my own convenience. Hah hah hah.  
> Also, thank you so much for all the sweet comments on the last chapter. I'm really glad that you all enjoyed it ♥

“Did you fuck yet?” Minho answered from the bed before the door had fully closed after him and Felix gave him a look of utter disbelief, only for the older to laugh softly at his expression before going back to his phone.   
“No” Felix muttered in a pout and crossed his arms over his chest before he leaned back with his shoulder blades against the wall in front of the bed and stared daggers at his hyung while the other nonchalantly shrugged with a teasing,   
“Too bad”   
The younger scoffed, took two steps forward and slapped, not hard but hard enough to receive a reaction, across Minho’s naked feet. The older protested and complained loudly while he looked up again with an agitated look on his face. It wasn’t easy being a middle-aged kid in a group and for Minho, there wasn’t really an exception. He was used to being dragged around, mainly from being seen as one of the maknaes for his behaviour but also not able to escape the responsibility of being the second oldest and therefor way too soft to actually hold a grudge,   
“Apologize” He demanded while he looked at Felix with resentment, but the younger knew that he wasn’t angry, or else he wouldn’t talk to him at all.   
“No, _you apologize._ If it wouldn’t be for you and the sudden decision that you and Jisungie would go back, I’d probably have the joyride of my life right now” The younger blushed at his choice of words, but held his ground and Minho sighed, again, before he put his phone away,  
“We went back because it’s already 2:30 am and we need to be up early tomorrow for the soundcheck before breakfast…” He squirmed slightly and continued with a slightly lower voice, “And also because I didn’t feel fully comfortable with fucking Jisungie in a dark back alley where we could both get robbed even though we both really, really wanted to”  
There was a pout on the older’s lips and if it weren’t for the fact that Minho had not only cockblocked Jisung and himself but also Felix and Chris, the younger would feel bad for him,  
“So you decided to ruin the fun for us too. You know that you could’ve just gotten back here and done… whatever you were planning to do” Felix said and sat down on his own bed,  
“Well… I didn’t know that you were in the middle of something, did I? It’s not like I knew that our room was unoccupied _and_ it’s not _my fault_ that Channie-hyung wanted to change rooms last second because he needed Sungie to help him with a song”  
Felix brushed his hands down his face in a tired motion and muttered a muffled, “I know” between his fingers before he blinked heavily as the room around him dimmed down for a moment when his sight got used to the light again.  
“You wanna come here and cuddle and forget about our stupid, hardworking boyfriends for a while?” The older asked and held out his arm to Felix who only shook his head but joined in the other’s bed anyway while a small smile tugged on his lips.  
He laid down with his head on Minho’s left arm and draped himself against his hyung’s side while the older turned halfway over to him, his right thrown over Felix midriff while the younger tucked himself in within his embrace, his own right arm between their bodies and left placed firmly between the other’s shoulder blades. It was sweet, intimate enough between the two friends and Felix once again thanked his God for allowing him to experience what true friendship was,   
“So I’m right? You properly confessed this time instead of just kissing each other senselessly?” Minho asked while he softly drummed his fingers against his younger friend’s back,  
“We confessed. He loves me, I love him and all that yada yada” Felix mumbled and heard how his hyung chuckled above him,  
“I knew it. From the moment I watched him approach you when he decided that you should join Skz. There was just something about that moment, about the two of you” He sighed and continued with a dreamy voice, “The next time I saw magic like was four months later, with Jisungie on his knees in that tight, crammed up-”   
“Nope. I don’t need to hear anything else” Felix protested and struggled to break free from Minho’s secure grip around his body.  
“You know that tight back closet, the one that has that weird door-”  
“Please save me from the information” The younger begged,  
“The one where you can only just fit two people. I can still remember the way he looked when he-”  
Minho broke away and screamed out with a mixture of pleading for mercy and laughter when his friend tried to tackle him to keep his mouth quiet,  
“You know that door that sometimes goes into deadlock?” He still pressed on while keeping the other on a safe distance now,  
“Yeah, and I’ll never be in there ever again” Felix huffed, gave up and crossed his arms over his chest like a defiant child while Minho gave him a bright smile and stuck his tongue out as the younger scrunched his nose at him in return.  
They didn’t close in on each other again, both staying as far away as they could from one another on the bed but fell into a comfortable silence, nonetheless. One that Felix could only experience with Minho nowadays, half because the other younger ones had a hard time being fully still since one hyper behaviour triggered all the others, and half because he had a hard time talking about really personal things with Changbin and completely impossible to comfortably lay down like that and not have his head full of cotton balls when he spent time with Chris.   
“Did you really know?” Felix asked after a while and is met with a confused hum,  
“About me and hyung? Did you really see something, back then?” He clarified and met Minho’s eyes when the older turned to look at him with a furrow on his brow before he looked back up towards the ceiling, sighed again, and Felix heart thumped in his chest for a reason he didn’t know.  
“Yeah” Minho said finally and gave Felix a small smile, “I knew”  
“How?” Felix pressed on and rolled over at his side instead, grabbed a tight hold of a pillow and cradled it in his arms underneath his head.  
Minho pursed his lips in thought and kept his eyes locked on the ceiling, “I think it was something in the way that he looked at you in the weeks before he asked you. A look that I, after a while, recognized as one that I usually gave Jisung…” He rolled around as well, raised his body up slightly and tucked his arms underneath his chest, “But I didn’t think much of it. I had my own problems to deal with as a newly transferred trainee and I didn’t want to bother the two of you with emotions you might not even know of yourselves. I watched as it developed though, how you started to look at hyung as well, just glances that I don’t think that you even reflected over though. But I still didn’t want to intervene. I could still be wrong, and it would’ve been a pity if I destroyed the strong team spirit with confused feelings”  
Felix hummed back and closed his eyes when a fuzzy feeling spread in his chest from the confirmation, like cotton candy that swivelled bigger and bigger until it enveloped him completely. Minho reached out for him with grabby motions and he pressed closer, until they laid side by side again while happiness bloomed with the fuzziness in his body when the older gave him a soft smile. A smile that convinced the already assured feeling in his heart, that everything would be ok. Moments like these, when he could speak freely with someone who understood him, was invaluable and he once again felt so, so thankful to have friends that cared so deeply for him. 


	16. Cologne, soap and breakfast

The following few days was pure torture and Chris caught himself multiple times when he wanted to reach out and touch Felix in a way that could be interpreted as intimate. It was driving him mad, to see and hear the way that the other moved and talked and sang and knowing that the secret glances and the way that the younger bit down on his lower lip to prevent himself from saying something he shouldn’t- was a reflection of how he felt, himself.   
The stages they did, from the choreo and the teasing ways they invited the audience to scream louder and louder to the way that they, all of them, moved their bodies in ways that had been imprinted with years of training- was slowly turning him crazy and even though Chris had experienced it before, because he’d been head over heels in love with the younger for so long- everything became so, so much harder to ignore when he knew how badly Felix wanted him back. When he knew that the younger put on a show not only for the audience but for Chris himself, every time he lifted his shirt up to reveal his toned upper body and moved in a way that left the older breathless.   
The way the spotlights above them reflected throughout the burning wildfire in his eyes and seemed to turn the sweet, soft brown into a fiery amber… and the way that his tongue peeked out between his full, soft lips when he wet them before taking a staggered breath between the songs… Oh, and the way that he gave Chris a lopsided smile when the other met his gaze, nose scrunched up in a playful growl when the older almost missed the beat in their choreo because he was too busy trying to keep himself together.  
Thank god, he hadn’t popped a boner on stage yet because it became significantly tougher to refuse his own emotions and insatiable craving now when he knew that his feelings were reciprocated. He couldn’t help but be touchier than usual though, simply because he couldn’t help himself- with a hand on the other’s shoulder or around his midriff. Forcing himself to choke back the groan that wanted to escape his lips when he felt how damp the other’s shirt was underneath his fingertips and the intoxicating smell of cologne, soap, musky sweat and everything else that was Felix surrounded every sense in his body with a pink overpowering hue. He actually cursed himself the times when he let his dick think for him and placed the younger on his shoulders to hoist him up as he sang- because naturally, his only thought was how those strong thighs would feel around his head, with the heels of Felix feet digging onto his back when he sucked the other off. Oh, and of course the times when he wanted to hype his friend up and decided that pulling him close and placing his forehead against him would be a good idea. That was a dangerous thing to do, he realized rather quickly, because the world seemed to buzz out around them for those few seconds and Felix eyes were big and bright and so dark that he could see himself in them. The younger must’ve felt the same because he placed his hands on Chris's arms, like he wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t stumble, squeezed him gently and the older’s eyes flicked to his lips. Preciously red-flushed from biting onto them too many times and Chris nearly kissed him then and there. A firm grip on Felix's shoulder with a few brotherly smacks there was just enough to fall out of the feeling though and he sighed deeply while he felt how his whole body grew warm when he received a bright smile just after they separated and the younger did the dance that was a regular thing in every show by now.  
The days passed quickly, from one part of the country towards the other, and the deep red in Felix’s hair had faded and Jeongin’s birthday had passed before they had a moment of free time to do whatever they pleased with, a whole day to be exact, before they had to leave for the next city in the evening.   
It was the 14th of February, Valentine’s day, and Chris woke up with butterflies in his stomach and his head in the clouds. He got dressed in a hurry, pondered for a few seconds if he should dress more nicely for the occasion but quickly scrapped the idea since he was only heading down to breakfast, mentally cringed at himself while he pulled a face mask over his face and guessed by the emptiness in the room that Jisung was already downstairs. His predicament was right, and he waved back at Jeongin when the younger stood up amongst the tables of busy people from all around the world, who all tried to put some food in them before they needed to go about their day.  
“Morning” Jisung said while he quickly glanced up with his mouth full of bacon and eggs when Chris reached their table and Minho gave his boyfriend a small look with a mixture of amusement, affection and disgust across the table.   
The oldest was the last in the gang and his eyes moved amongst them all when they joined in on the greeting. All were still wearing either pjs or other soft clothes, eyes clipping and most with caps or beanies on their heads. They looked tired- exhausted really, and Chris heart swelled with pride while he took a few seconds each to look at them. Jisung, who shovelled food into his mouth, unbothered by the big amount that immediately fell off his fork again with his eyes stuck on the twitter feed on his phone. Changbin, with large glasses that adored the dark circles under his eyes, fingers drumming on the cup of black coffee in his hands while he watched the strangers around them. Hyunjin beside him with a beanie that was so low it almost covered his eyebrows, arms crossed over his chest and leaned back so far in the chair that his kneecaps must be pressed against Jeongin, who sat across of him with a smile that never faltered even though held his body in a way that revealed how much his muscles ached. Seungmin, with his nose in a magazine while sipping on orange juice before a big yawn broke his concentrated expression and Minho next to him with an empty bowl of yogurt on the table, his hands tucked into the sweatshirt he was wearing and fond affection in his eyes while he watched Jisung from underneath his lashes with a small smile tugging on his lips.   
“Morning” Chris answered and tried not to look at Felix for too long when he answered with a small “Good morning” of his own. Voice still deep and raspy from sleep and eyelids heavy while he looked at the older.   
His hair was, this far into the tour, almost back in the precious cotton candy pink that Chris loved so much and the soft locks that curled around the edge of his pulled up hoodie competed with the freckles on his face and those soft lips that he wanted to kiss so much by now that it physically hurt him. He tore his eyes away and went ahead to grab some breakfast as well before finally sitting down.   
“Any plans for today?” he asked, took a sip of coffee and watched while his members shrugged before he took a bite of scrambled eggs and perfect, crispy bacon.   
“Not really”   
“Just rest”   
“Play video games”  
“Watch a drama”   
They mumbled among themselves and Chris nodded, while he glanced at Felix again,  
“Do _you_ have any plans?” The younger asked and Chris immediately looked away again when he felt a small blush cover his cheeks.  
The members snorted out small chuckles while they watched, and Chris wanted to die off shame because he was supposed to be the oldest and strongest and able to contain his own emotions.  
“No” he mumbled, and Minho held out his fork of eggs,   
“Felix” he said and was quickly followed by Jisung who did the same, “Channie-hyung” and then they pressed the forks together, “Kiss kiss”  
The oldest shook his head and stuck out his tongue at the couple next to him but couldn’t help the smile that tugged on his lips anyway when Felix mirrored his action and shook his head as well. His cheeks dusted pink and he tried to contain the giggle that slipped out between his lips while Chris felt his heart skip in his chest when he looked at the young man who made him feel so much that it damn nearly suffocated him.


	17. Happiness and strawberries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings! I'm so sorry to say, but due to personal reasons that I don't want to mention here, I need to take a week away from writing for my own mental health. I'm aiming to finish this, I promise you. I just need a pause to get back into the right head space because I don't want to rush things. Especially now when we are nearing some kind of ending.  
> I hope that you have faith in my ability to come back stronger. Please send prayers and write comments if you wish, I really appreciate them. Have a good few days and take care of your loved ones ♥

“Valentine’s day. The day of chocolate and hearts and songs about passionate emotions and red roses and-”  
“I get it Hannie-ya. It’s the day of love” Chris interrupted with a teasing smile,  
They were back in their room and Jisung looked at him with fake hurt,  
“It’s also a day of kindness, hyung. I’m not apologizing for being a romantic”  
A slight blush reddened his cheeks while he crouched at his travel bag and Chris kind of wanted to apologize for cutting the other short but also knew that it wasn’t necessary from the way that Jisung held his body, with a stupid love struck smile on his face and not a tense muscle in his back,  
“You got anything special planned?” Chris asked while Jisung rummaged through his clothes for something to wear,  
“I do, or well, we do… and it’s more like something planned and less something special. There is still a risk of getting caught if we were to go outside and see a movie or take a walk, like any other couple would do and it’s pure torture to be next to the person you love and not being able to hold their hand and kiss them whenever you wanted… you’ll see” He turned to Chris with a sad smile, “But uh” He cleared his throat and finally found the dress shirt he was looking for, grabbed his toiletries and headed towards the bathroom, “We’re gonna eat lunch at a restaurant down the street later, nothing fancy and as friends and group members per usual, and before that, probably just watch a movie” He turned to close the door but changed his mind mid-way, “Oh and could you, maybe, not be here then? I can’t guarantee that we’ll keep our hands off each other”  
He gave Chris a wink while the older gave him a pained expression,  
“I did not need the image that suddenly popped up in my head, but sure. I’ll be out before he arrives”  
Jisung stuck out his tongue at him before closing the bathroom door and soon enough, the shower was running and a soft muffled hum echoed off the walls when the younger began to sing a popular American song that often came up on the radio whenever they drove back and forth to the venue or the airport. Chris snorted out a short laugh and laid down on his bed with a deep sigh, closed his eyes and enjoyed the calmness in his surrounding for a minute or two until his phone buzzed with a message and he could feel his heart flip when he saw the id,  
 _From A. Felix_ ** _‘Hyung! I was just wondering if you do have any plans today? I know that you don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day though, so it’s ok if you got other stuff to do’_**   
Chris chuckled softly and bit down on his lower lip to hide the grin that tugged on his lips, like a teenage boy that was just about to ask his crush if he wanted to go out with him before he pressed the “Call” button,  
“Hi?” Felix sounded surprised and Chris could feel how his stomach constricted from the nervous butterflies that flew around like crazy in there,  
“Hi” He answered and cringed at his own awkwardness when the sound of his voice came out way higher than he’d liked. He knew that he wanted to say something, that there was a reason why he called- but it felt like his brain had been replaced with a big cloud that just sort of hung there. Completely empty and feathery light. Why didn’t he take two seconds and actually figured out what he wanted to say before calling? He cleared his throat and combed his fingers through his hair while squeezing his eyes shut and clenched his jaw to collect some courage,  
“I really should’ve thought what I wanted to say before I called” He said out loud and immediately regret it when he heard how Felix grinned at the other end,   
“It’s fine, you can call me back when you know”   
“No-” Chris interrupted and inhaled sharply when he realised that he’d been shouting, “Sorry, I- I mean- I wanted… to ask you... if you wanted to go see a movie… and I dunno- maybe have some lunch with me later?” He bit down on his lower lip when he realized that he was stuttering, “I… I would’ve treated you for dinner but since we _can’t have dinner_ because it’s gonna be _way too late_ and it’s the _only thing that we can do_ that won’t be suspicious” He exhaled deeply and felt like he was digging his own grave but was unable to stop talking, “Even though I really, _really_ would want to treat you with something special… I can’t because we got eyes on us at all times- which really bothers me-” He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling while his heart ached and he spoke with a pout of complete defeat, “Because everything I want to do, all the time- from the moment I wake up without you next to me to the time when I fall asleep- is just to hold you, and kiss you, and… and watch while your expression turn into that cute emoji with big eyes… because it fills me up with so much joy… knowing that you are looking at me with those eyes”  
The line went silent after he was done and for a few seconds he just sat there in agonizing suspense, wondering if he’d poured his heart out a bit too much and scared the younger away before Felix finally spoke up,  
“Are you… asking me out on a date?” and Chris could almost hear how his breath hitched like the younger was unable to control his emotions,  
“I uh… do you want it to be a date?” the older asked, still worried and with his heart pounding in his ears,  
“Of course. Of course I want it to be, I wouldn’t expect anything else after that speech”  
“Then it’s a date” Chris chuckled with relief, “I am asking you out. It won’t be as roman-”  
“I don’t care” Felix interrupted this time, “All I want is you. Everything else is just a bonus”   
There was a pause, and the older felt how the ache in his heart burned like he was being scorched,   
“Can I see you?” He asked but instead of receiving an answer, the line went dead.   
He only managed to feel a hinge of fright stab at his heart before there was a hurried knock on the door and the bad feeling got replaced by a thrilled punch in his stomach. He opened it and only got to see locks of washed out pink and black oversized clothes before the person behind it closed his arms around him. The smell of Felix- everything that was him and everything Chris loved so dearly basically slapped him in the face and he had to take a step back to stabilise himself before closing his arms around the younger.  
“Hi” Felix mumbled onto the skin in the nape of his neck and the older pulled his arms tighter around him, flushed his hands flat against the younger’s ribs and felt how strands of soft hair tickled the apples of his cheeks while they took a deep breath in unison. Just inhaling each other’s presence, the familiarity of each other’s warmth and the feeling of how their bodies moulded against each other. Chris could feel how the nervous and tingling butterflies in his stomach calmed down with every deep breath he took and got replaced by a compelling reassurance- like tranquillity, that spread through every joint in his body. He took another step backwards and then another while leading them blindly in the directions of the beds behind him until he felt the edge of the one that he guessed was his, gently tap against his calf. The pitched yelp that slipped between Felix lips when he tipped them both backwards made him snort out a chuckle and the younger separated them for a moment to give Chris a look of fake hurtful annoyance for scaring him. Which the other only replied with a teasing grin.  
The weight of the Felix body, straddling his own so perfectly that Chris choked on his own breath when he realized, was making him dizzy but he didn’t want the other to move for everything that was good in the world. Felix had placed his hands on Chris chest and the position reminded the older of a couple of days ago, when they were just like this but in another hotel, in another city.   
“Tell me more of what goes on behind those brown eyes of yours” Felix asked all of a sudden, while he combed back locks of curly hair from Chris’s forehead and the older sighed deeply, because where should he start and more importantly- where would he be able to stop?  
“I… I was just thinking how much I enjoy it, where you are right now” He answered, slightly embarrassed by his translucent words, completely out of breath already and watched while Felix lowered his gaze while he wet the lips that tugged up in a shy smile and Chris sighed deep when the sight bloomed up like red flowers inside his body when a flush painted the younger’s cheeks and the tip of his ears with the same colour as his hair. Chris placed one hand on the Felix's thigh and watched how the the younger's Adam’s apple bobbed when his line of sight landed on the place where their bodies connected,  
“And I’m thinking right now how breathtakingly gorgeous you are, not just now… but always” Chris continued, reached out with his other hand and felt how his heart picked up in speed when he placed it on Felix’s cheek.  
He gently caressed down the younger’s cheekbone with his thumb and received a soft sigh of content when he leaned into the touch before a small chuckle broke between his lips and he looked up at the older from underneath heavy eyelashes,  
“I’m pretty sure that the breathlessness is because I’m sitting across your stomach”  
“And I’m pretty sure that it’s because I can finally speak out the words that I’ve kept inside me for years” Chris answered without missing a beat and heard how Felix inhaled sharply before he made a pained expression and shook his head like he couldn’t believe what the older was saying,  
“Just shut up and kiss me”  
The touch of the younger’s lips on his after being without his touch for so many days was like pouring 5 litres of gasoline on the small pyre that already burned through Chris’s insides and he only managed to choke forth a small groan before he placed both hands on Felix cheeks and coaxed his head to the side. The younger’s breath hitched, and Chris could taste honey and strawberries on his tongue when he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. He rolled them around and the sound of the other’s gasped out giggle when the feeling of the bed suddenly pressed onto his back instead made a deep growl escape Chris lips. He was unsure if he’d ever felt a need to have something this much in his entire life. Because all of those things were dreams.   
Ambitions.   
Things that he wanted.   
_But this…_  
This was fundamental… More than a craving, or a desire. More than the need he had to succeed with the music he made. Even more than anything he ever wanted, to join a group, to debut, to tour, to feel the happiness he had in his whole body whenever they had succeeded with another comeback. Because the feeling of Felix against him was just that.   
_Happiness._  
Comfort in a way that the crowd could never ease.  
Delight in the way that his heart sung harder than his vocal cords could ever do.  
Complete bliss in the way that Felix hands trailed over his back to press them closer.  
A jubilation that felt like surging electricity through his body when the younger slipped his tongue between his lips and growled deeply to the taste of the other.  
And it was making him drunk with a need for more. His hands gripped tighter around that small narrow waist of the other and he still needed more. The younger wrapped his legs around his hips and pressed the heels of his feet against the small of his back and he still needed more. He could feel how hard he was, and the arousal that simmered in the pit of his stomach made his heart drum away in his ears. Could hear the raspy moans that broke through from deep, deep inside the other’s chest when Chris’s lips trailed underneath his jaw. Could feel how his own eyes rolled back and his eyelids fell shut when he reached the spot where the younger sprayed his cologne and couldn’t help the raw, biological need to jolt his hips forward.   
“Fuck, Chris” Felix choked out when their cocks rubbed together behind a double layer of clothing and if it would be for _another curse_ , in complete different part of the room, the older definitely would’ve repeated the action.  
“You guys are worse than me and Minho-hyung when we first got together. We made sure to be completely alone, at least”  
Chris could feel how the tips of his ears turned bright red when his gaze turned to his fellow rapper and was unsure if he wanted to move away from his position above the younger at all, since they were both undeniably turned on.  
Jisung held up his hand with a confused expression, “Do you need me to turn around or something?” He chuckled and took a stronger grip around the towel he had around his hips, “Believe me, I’m the one in the compromising position here. I’d gladly let you continue with what you were doing, because it’s way past overtime for you to do it”   
Chris cleared his throat and Jisung rolled his eyes before turning around, “I’ve seen both of you naked, multiple times, you know, both flaccid and erect, and you both have nothing to be ashamed about. It’s completely natural for group members to see each other’s dicks-”  
“Please stop talking Hannie-ya” Felix said before sighing deeply and placed a soft hand on Chris cheek, “Let’s say lunch by 12 and I’ll check what movies are playing afterwards?” before he planted a gentle peck on the older’s lips.  
“But I can-” Chris started and the younger shook his head,   
“I know how much you’ve got on your plate already. Let me do this simple thing, ok?”   
“Ok-” and the younger took his breath away when their lips met again, and again, and again, “Ok, go. Go or I won’t be able to stop again” Chris mumbled against his lips when he felt how he begun to lean against the other again,  
Felix rolled out from underneath him like he’d done it a hundred times already and gave Jisung’s towel a teasing tug on the way towards the door before he stuck his tongue out towards him when the other gave him a sharp look before he blew a kiss towards Chris and the older could only sigh before he fell face forward onto the bed.  
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man so whipped. Seriously, you’re worse than Minho-hyung after I gave him myself as a Valentine’s day gift last year”  
Chris only gave him a muffled answer but Jisung didn’t stay to ask what he said and the older was thankful when he heard the bathroom door shut again and the hairdryer start because he needed to be completely alone while thinking the grossest thoughts he could imagine to pull out the imagination that his brain automatically played up.  
Of Felix underneath his body. Chris hands on soft, strong thighs when he hoisted the younger onto his lap and the gasped out moans the younger did when Chris entered him.


	18. A blue woollen cardigan and ripped jeans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my space babies! I am back ♥ Thank you for being patient with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

“This is nice”  
“Really?” Chris asked, happy to see that the younger was enjoying himself but less happy that they weren't fully alone.  
“Yeah, the food is good. Company is good” Felix nudged their legs together underneath the table and lowered his gaze down to his plate again, a small smile tugging around the fork between his lips and Chris had to remind himself to breathe.  
The younger wore a black turtleneck and a blue woollen cardigan that was a size too big, black jeans and it was soft, comfortable everyday clothes but the older still felt his heart flutter with a mixed emotion of agony and fondness when he thought about their situation. That the younger had to dress down in a moment when they should dress up just to avoid suspicion. That they couldn’t even wear fancy jewellery in case someone would see them and make assumptions, whether they knew who they were or not. He had to be dressed down as well of course, the ripped pants, regular tee and blue jeans-jacket spoke of casualness and he went back to his food as well while enjoying the comfortable silence between them.   
“It’s funny” Felix started after a couple of minutes, English rolling off his tongue now when they were away from the rest of the group and in a country that shared their language, “When I’ve dreamt off this moment, we were always alone and in an unknown part of a city that we weren’t able to pronounce somewhere in the world that I never thought I’d ever see”  
Chris wet his lips and let the other’s words linger in the air for a few seconds while he chewed through the mouthful of carbonara he just put in his mouth. The younger looked up, just to make sure that the pause wasn’t because Chris didn’t wanted to answer him and smiled as his gaze switched to their surroundings instead,  
“I hope you’re not disappointed” The older mumbled and Felix chuckled softly while cutting up the steak he was eating, dipped it in gravy and shrugged,   
“You’re here, with me. The reason why I never thought about a place that I knew off was because I never dared myself to dream that big”   
“And look at us now” Chris mumbled and watched as the younger’s eyes soften as he put the cut-up food in his mouth while a small smile tugged on his lips again,  
“Look at us now” He repeated and Chris finger’s itched to reach out the barely decimetre distance between their hands on the table and lace their fingers together.   
He felt the eyes of his manager burn into his back and moved the hand to comb through his own hair instead, unsure if he’d dare to do anything if they’d be alone anyway. He’d chosen one of the quieter places on the map, nothing fancy at all, and more like a combined café/bar/lunch place than a proper restaurant. Their manager-nim had been (reluctantly) contacted as soon as Chris had booked a table since they weren’t allowed to roam the streets of the city alone in case something would happen. Be it an accident, or that someone would recognize them, and a mob would occur or anything else that could potentially risk their safety. Chris actually apologized to him when he picked them up, but the manager only gave the couple a deep sigh before adjusting the black cap over his eyes and motioned for them to follow. It was a necessary pain, unfortunately, to make sure that they could sit like they did at the moment, with Felix playing footsie with his friend while the older wanted nothing else than to kiss the other and wipe that teasing grin off his face.  
…  
They went to see a movie afterwards. Packed to the brim with action scenes and CGI and Chris chuckled to himself when he sensed how pulled in Felix became with the story line. How his eyes seem to twinkle like stars when another car blew up on the big screen, and how his mouth fell open with wonder when the protagonist delivered another smart-ass answer to the villain in the middle of the second- wait no, third fight scene. Chris would be lying if he said that he was interested in the movie and if someone would ask him afterwards what it was about, he’d probably just shrug. It was probably good, it had everything that Felix and he liked when it came to movies and yet he found himself getting easily distracted. By the sharp inhales the younger did at times… and the way that Felix’s thighs felt against his own. That was a feeling that he remembered well, oh and the way that Felix turned to him for a second with surprise in his eyes and a bright smile on his lips when he squeezed the hand that enveloped his own in the darkness of the room. The older could feel the ticking pulse in the other’s wrist and if they’d be further back, he’d plant a kiss on the younger’s cheek simply because every fibre in his body begged him to do so.   
But he was more than satisfied to just sit next to the person he loved while the minutes passed into an hour and a half and some sort of conflict broke through the thick armour the protagonist wore. Felix had turned his back slightly towards him as the movie had progressed and now more or less leaned against his chest, and it was an accident, _it must’ve been_ , because his right hand suddenly pressed hard against the older’s thigh, just to keep himself upright when he changed into a more comfortable position… or so Chris thought at first, because soon enough it happened again and this time the hand lingered for a few seconds.   
He wasn’t teasing him… _deliberately_ … was he? Chris wished that he could see Felix's face. Wished that he could see if there was a hint of mischief behind those deep brown eyes of his. If his lips tugged up in a teasing grin or a hint of pink flushed his cheeks when his fingers dipped between the older’s thighs, carefully rubbing the inner side. Chris’s breath hitched and he felt his heart skip and stomach run with flips like a cheerleader that tried to do the show of their lifetime. Warmth pooled in the pit of his stomach and he actually choked when the younger’s fingers climbed upwards,  
“What are you doing?” He managed to squeak out between gunshots and civilians screaming and immediately wanted to take the words back when the younger removed his hand again,  
“Sorry, I just. I wanted- needed to touch you. I couldn't help myself”   
There was something apologetic over his voice. Regret and shame covered it like a fine dust and Chris swallowed hard before he grabbed the younger’s hand again. Bit down on his tongue when the touch of the other’s skin sent a mixed wave of reassurance and intimacy and underneath that, in the beat of Felix hurried breath- a radiation of buzzed out temptation through his body.

“Then don’t stop, I just… I can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to leave immediately after” Chris mumbled behind his ear and Felix breath hitched before he craned his neck backwards to meet the older’s gaze and time seemed to slow down until it was just the two of them while everything else blurred out. Felix lashes laid heavily over his half lidded eyes when he looked up towards the older and it felt as if a large invisible hand wrung Chris’s insides when the younger’s gaze flicked down for a split second before he took advantage of the dark scene in the movie and pressed a chaste kiss on Chris’s lips.   
The older barely had time to react before the moment passed, Felix's small but determined hand was back on his thigh and he felt a surge of arousal punch him hard in the stomach like he’d just closed his hand around an electrical wire.   
“You’re gonna be the death of me, Lixie” the older whispered against his friend and pressed his lips against the other’s hairline behind his ear while breathing in the generic lemon smell of hotel shampoo on the younger’s hair.  
Felix was often compared to a cat, both by himself, the members and media but for him to actually make a noise that was as close as a purr that a human would ever be able to produce threw Chris off guard. He chuckled warm and heartful, fell into the sudden urge to embrace the younger and nudged his nose into the crook of his neck instead, inhaled deeply again and hoped to any God out there that no one recognized them because anyone who had eyes to see with could understand that the affection they showed was so much more than just friendly.   
But the part of him that screamed out to be careful was quickly shut down by a louder that said that he didn’t care at the moment. He just wanted to be normal for one more hour. Just wanted to be a regular guy with his regular boyfriend who watched a regular movie on Valentine’s day.   
To just be Christopher Bang for once. 


	19. First time and the smell of lavender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! Sorry that you had to wait an extra day for this. I just really wanted to make sure that I was 100% satisfied with the chapter before bringing it out into the world ♥ thank you for your support as always ♥

They stumbled through the door of Chris’s hotel room later, received a weary look from their manager and Chris knew that he should feel regret, that he should stand straight and thank his elder for taking them out, dealing with their shenanigans and not say a word about everything that he’d seen afterwards but Felix body draped over his own was distracting him once again and he only received a short huff from the manager before he turned on his heel to walk back to his hotel room.   
“Hyung” Felix whined against his neck and he closed his arm tighter around the younger’s body before taking a few more steps forward and heard how the door automatically closed after them.   
The older hummed something in response, tried not to think too much about how good it felt with the younger’s arms around his neck and his whole frame pressed against Chris’s own.  
“Hyung” The younger spoke again and Chris met his gaze, wet his lips nervously when he saw himself in the dark reflection of the other’s eyes and swallowed hard when Felix’s line of sight flicked to his lips, “Can I kiss you?” he asked and Chris felt his stomach flip.  
He didn’t answer and just closed the distance between them instead, groaning softly when the grip that Felix had around his neck tighten to pull him in closer. The world around them seemed to buzz out and the younger felt a bit… pathetic. Almost weak in the knees and needy like he was under water and Chris was the one who kept him above the surface- clinging onto his leader and fellow group member like he’d break apart and float away if the other let him go. Chris had one hand pressed against his lower back and the other on the back of his neck, fingertips trailing over his hairline while he shifted over from one foot to the other like he was unable to stand still while he coaxed the younger closer. Felix felt it burn through him, the emotion that he knew so well by now- the one that blossomed up in his chest, unfolded like the petals of a flower and tucked together into every crevice of his chest until it felt like he couldn’t take it anymore. He fell backwards into the velvety smooth and nearly overwhelmingly light feeling of it- into the feeling of Chris tongue against the roof of his mouth and the taste of cola and buttery popcorn from the cinema.   
Of Chris hand that slowly but steadily moved down from his lower back to the swell of his ass and the choked out noise that slipped between the older’s lips when Felix leaned into the harsh squeeze that followed when Chris grabbed a handful of him before hoisting him up in his arms. Of the way that the air in his lungs got knocked out of him temporarily when his back hit the back of the door behind him and Chris separated them for a few seconds to make sure that the younger was ok, meeting his eyes shortly before Felix combed back the brown locks over the older’s forehead with a soft smile while Chris’s eyes fluttered shut and he placed his fingers around the younger’s wrist before bringing it down to press a small, delicate kiss there.   
“I love you” Chris whispered against his skin, between short pants and thumping hearts and a feeling that Felix could only describe as painful shot through his chest, even though it was a good pain, like the way your muscles ache after a nice workout, or waking up at dawn only to see the sun go up, or the sucked in squeeze your stomach does just before a long drop on a roller coaster.   
“I love you too” he whispered back, and Chris hummed out a choked-up whine as he closed the distance between them again.  
The crinkling of crisp, white hotel room sheets against his back sent a spiral of nervous flips throughout his body when Chris carefully laid him down there after taking the few wobbly steps that were needed to reach the bed. He paused, just for a moment, like he couldn’t believe that Felix was there, with him, at that moment and the younger let out a soft whine that he’d be less proud off, if his insides wouldn’t be on fire and anyone else than Chris would be the one to see him in such a vulnerable moment. Watching him with so much love that the younger wanted to avert his eyes. He made grabby hands towards the older and Chris couldn’t deny his own need to feel his friend against him again. The bed dipped and Felix could feel his breath hitch when the older climbed over him on all fours, eyes glinting dangerously, eyelids heavy and pink lips slightly parted.   
“You’re so gorgeous, so-” the older started but Felix silenced him with another kiss, “So amaz-” another kiss, “So beaut-” another kiss and Chris made an annoyed noise in the back of his throat and inhaled deeply like he wanted say something more but Felix kept them locked together this time with a firm hand on the back of the older’s neck.  
It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy what he was hearing, or that Chris said something that didn’t make him swoon and heart pick up in speed and face grow embarrassingly red. He’d love to hear the other tell him all those things, but he didn’t have the patience to listen to any compliments. Didn’t allow himself to indulge too much within sweet sayings because every word was a waste of the precious moment they had together and he was unsure that he’d be able to keep his cool and _not fuck anything up_ by saying something weird in return, if he’d think about them too much.  
Chris had placed one hand in his hair while the other sneaked up his shirt and his head was spinning and heart singing and he didn’t think he’d ever felt such a deep yearn for anything in his entire life as he separated his legs to let the older come closer. He gasped out when his shirt got rid up enough to show his toned stomach and swallowed hard when Chris met his gaze, as if the older wanted to ask if he was ok with proceeding.   
“Lix… I want-”  
“Don’t stop” The younger interrupted and watched while Chris bit down on his lower lip to keep back the moan that threatened to escape.   
_Fuck._  
The older’s hands were warm on his chest when they travelled over his frame, fingertips lingering over his ribcage for a few seconds longer, just feeling the expansion of the younger’s breathing before they carefully grazed over his nipples. The sharp hitch that slipped between his lips earned him a small smirk and Felix thought that he might as well pass out then and there because all the blood in his body raced to one place at once when the older grabbed the hem of his shirt and he rose his arms automatically when it was pulled over his head.   
Chris sighed while his eyes softened and Felix wanted to cover himself up from the other’s gaze even though the older had seen him much, much more naked than this before. But this time was different. This was a new kind of nakedness. One that settled in the pit of his stomach and shook his heart around, pulled on his insides and sent his mind into a spiralling mess.  
“Let… let me” He started, and Chris blinked when the younger reached out and started to peel the jeans jacket off his shoulders.  
The older kept his eyes on him and the sudden rawness that this was actually happening struck them both as Chris rose his arms up to allow Felix to pull the tee over his head as well.   
“Just look at you…” Chris started and placed his hands flat on the sides of the younger’s stomach, thumbs rubbing his hip bones and the younger gasped out as he reached forward to cup his friend’s cheek before pulling him closer again.  
Chris groaned into the kiss and Felix couldn’t help but reciprocate the sound as the older’s hands moved over his body again, almost harshly stroking the skin over his stomach, his chest, his sides before teasingly flicked a bud between his fingertips. The older’s lips moved as well, down from the corner of his lips, to his chin and then jawline, carefully nibbled on the sensible skin just underneath it and Felix could hardly do anything but fall into the pleasure that exploded though his senses and made his skin prickle.   
His own hands tugged on the Chris’s hair, pulled him closer in a silent request for him to not stop what he was doing and the older gasped out a choked up groan while he continued to press lithe open mouthed kisses, playful nibbles and painstakingly careful kitty licks over the younger’s frame. Taking one nipple between his lips in a nearly obscene fashion while two fingertips gently teased the other and Felix’s back arched to the pleasure that rippled through him. The older continued, taking his sweet time to press kisses between the dips of the other’s abs, hands holding him firmly in place around his waist and Felix wished that the older could both slow down because he was experiencing a moment he’d been dreaming about for years but also hurry up because that mouth trailing over his skin, was making him feel light headed and with thoughts that spiralled down in a bottomless pit of need and insatiable lust that he found himself not wanting to escape from.   
Warm fingertips finally slipped into the waistband of his jeans and the older quickly popped the button before pausing for a second to fumble with the zipper, which was just enough time for Felix to come back to his senses and place one hand around the other’s wrist. Chris’s eyes were apologetic, embarrassed of his own eager hands and greedy urge for the younger.  
“Sorry” He whispered softly and averted his eyes while his arms fell back against his sides.  
“Don’t be. I just…” He bit the inside of his cheek, “I don’t want it to be over so soon” Felix gave the older a pained expression and Chris snorted out a small chuckle when he understood the other’s worry,  
“We’ve got all night, Lixie. Hannie-ya is over at Minho-sshi and your room. No one’s going to bother us”  
The small bonfire that had only just been crackling in the pit of the younger’s stomach, flared up inside him. Scorched his insides and made him choke on a sharp inhale of air. Chris gave him a smile. Bright and loving with soft eyes and dimples in his cheeks and Felix was walking on fluffy, cotton candy, pink clouds and doused in freezing, ice cold water at the same time.   
“And I’m not going anywhere” Chris licked his bottom lip into his mouth before he bit down onto it and sighed deeply as he leaned forward to place one hand on the younger’s cheek, “I’m here to stay”   
“I love you” was the only thing that Felix could force forth, between the white noise in his ears from the heavy hammering of his heart underneath his ribcage and the constricted feeling over his chest when he realized that this was it. No more running away from something he never thought he’d be able to have. No more hiding feelings that he never thought he’d be able to show. No more believing that what he felt was one sided. _Because Chris wanted him just as bad._  
Breathing just as heavy as him when he closed the distance between them again and pressed their lips together in such a delicate way that Felix thought his heart would jump out of his chest. He still couldn’t really believe that this was happening but Chris sharp gasp when his fingers trailed over his chest until they reached the button of his ripped jeans, very much echoed inside his mind. The older cursed and broke the kiss to watch as Felix pulled down the zipper, took a confident (even though the younger was everything but just that) grip around the lining of his jeans and pulled them down over his ass and then down over his thighs. They broke away, for the few seconds it took for the older to stand up and pull them off completely before reaching forward and doing the same to his friend. The younger’s breath hitched as the hard fabric slipped over his legs and wanted to hide his flushed face when Chris took a moment to just watch,   
“Take off the rest as well” he asked even though it sounded more like command and Felix swallowed hard before reaching for his socks and then the underwear that still laid as the last protective garment around his body.  
He was rock hard and twitching, there was no denying that, and a wet spot of pre-cum already stained the fabric of it. _Fuck_. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Chris had seen him naked before… this shouldn’t be such a big deal… except for the fact that the older was watching him now, _really watching him_ and Felix had never felt so naked in his entire life. The groan that emitted from the other when he finally pulled the underwear down over his thighs was really satisfying though, he had to admit that. He wet his lips again and felt how somersaults flipped in the pit of his stomach when the tip of his cock flopped back against his lower abdomen. Chris mouth fell open and his eyelids fluttered while he inhaled a staggered breath and seemed to actually writhe at the sight.   
“Your turn” Felix said and heard how his voice broke a little but could care less because Chris swallowed hard before he hooked his thumbs into his own underwear and pulled them down with one swift movement.   
The younger’s heart flipped beneath his ribcage and it shot him like an arrow to the chest when he remembered what the other reluctantly had admitted to him what felt like ages ago, ‘I’ve never kissed someone’ and Felix had pressed him further, ‘I’ve been close to having hook-ups but I’ve never…’   
Chris cheeks flushed bright red when the silence between them seemed to fill the entire room. _How could he forget?_   
“Come here” Felix choked forth and saw how the other’s Adam’s apple bobbed when he climbed up on the bed again, sneaked a glance at the younger’s naked body while he approached before quickly looking away again and it was sweet and downright endearing to see how his calm and composed and always so, so strong leader fully lose it at the sight of his friend. Felix placed his hands flat over the older’s chest again and revelled in the way that Chris sighed at his touch before his hands travelled over the toned stomach and finally closed around the pronounced V-shape that marked the other’s hip bones. He pushed the older forward, closer towards himself and didn’t hold back the growl that escaped his throat when Chris’s thighs flushed against the back of his as he separated his legs further before locking them around his friend’s. Chris’s cock twitched at the motion and he looked away again, shamefully red in the face and visually gulped hard when the flush crept down towards his chest and up to the tips of his ears.   
“Hyung” Felix whispered out and coaxed the other to look at him with a gentle hand on his cheek. Chris took a staggered breath and licked his lips into his mouth while turning his gaze towards the younger, “I’m so happy that you chose me” he continued and saw how the older clenched his jaw.  
Out of embarrassment that he’d admitted that he’d never been with anyone before Felix? Out of shame that he was nearly 23 and still a virgin? Out of the fact that his emotions, soul and body were finally out on display for the younger to see?   
The reason could be one or many and Felix, himself, didn’t really care. The hand on the older’s cheek trailed an agonizingly slow line downwards and he held back a small heartful chuckle behind clenched teeth, since he didn’t want the other to think that he was mocking him, when Chris shuddered to his gentle touch. The other hand still held a firm grip around his hip, but Felix was starting to grow impatient, sure they had the whole night, but he’d been waiting years for this moment and he just couldn’t hold back his own desires anymore.  
“Hyung. Can I touch you?” The younger asked. Fingertips lingering on the soft, nearly translucent brown hair on the older’s lower stomach.  
Chris’s gaze flickered down to where Felix's hand was and he nodded, quick, shy and with enough excitement to earn a grin from the other. The pure bliss that exploded like tiny fireworks in Felix chest, when Chris eyes scrunched shut as he closed his hand around the older’s cock was something that the younger probably never would forget. He gasped, out of astonishment when Chris thrusted forward into his hand and two strong hands took a firm grip around both his thighs to make sure that the older could stabilize himself.   
“Fuck- Lix” Chris cursed out in a dragged-out moan. Jaw clenched up and every muscle in his body rippled when the younger slowly began to jerk him off.   
Felix eyes teared up when he watched the scene and he was once more reminded that this was _his sight to see_. _His_ eyes were the first to watch as Chris became totally undone from his touch. _He_ was the first one to _ever touch him like_ _that_ and the realization struck him with a stunned pride. Completely and utterly dumbfounded as he watched how the older fell to his hands over his body. The kiss was open mouthed this time. Dirty and sloppy with tongues meeting before lips did and Chris was so warm and the weight of his body so amazingly good on his own that Felix found himself going into a frenzy.   
He didn’t ever want it to stop.   
Didn’t want Chris to stop the way he slipped his tongue past the younger’s lips again and again and again, letting out a deep growl when Felix found one of his hands and guided it to his own cock.   
It was awkward at first, to find a good angle and pace but he seemed to get the memo when Felix hissed out a small, “Just do me like you do yourself” and that cleared the clumsy feeling between them immediately while the older picked up the pace, put pressure on the underside in a way that made stars explode in front of the younger’s eyes and he choked out a small, “Just like that, hyung”   
“Say Chris, say my name. Please” the older begged before he occupied the other’s mouth again and Felix chuckled between their lips,   
“Chris” he repeated and placed his hand between them before letting out a soft sigh to the disappointed noise that slipped between the other’s lips, “I…” Felix paused. Felt how his stomach did a nervous churn before he swallowed hard, “I want you to- it’s super fine if you don’t since it’s the first time and all but…” he looked away. Felt how a blush quickly settled on his cheeks and down his neck,   
“What?” the older asked nervously and the hand around the younger’s cock stilled before it disappeared, as if he thought that Felix would ask him to stop what he was doing and go away,  
“I want you to fuck me”   
Felix might as well have punched him in the stomach because the older choked on his own breath before he had to lean back to cough, “Sorry. I should’ve guessed it was too much” the younger gave his friend a pained expression,  
“No” Chris cleared his throat and smiled, “No I just… I thought you said that you’ve only been with a girl”  
“I have but…” Felix sighed deeply and clenched his jaw while looking away, “Turns out that I like to have a finger or two inside me when I jerk off… don’t ask” he added when Chris opened his mouth and the older quickly closed it again before giving him another small smile,  
“Are you sure though?” he asked, and Felix frowned,  
“You wanna fuck me or not?” he asked and earned a small chuckle,   
“When I said that I’d been saving myself up for you, I meant the whole thing. You’re not the only one who’s been secretly yearning for years”  
“Ok” Felix said shortly and swallowed hard before he met the older’s determined eyes,  
“Ok” Chris answered and watched as the younger bit down on his lower lip before he continued, “Do you… have any lube?”   
“I uh… I have lavender oil in the back pocket of my bag” Felix answered and looked away again while Chris snorted out a heartful chuckle,  
“And you use that to jerk off with?”  
Felix only sighed in response but the older didn’t let him go so easily while he got up and picked up the younger’s bag, opened it up and fished out a small bottle of oil from the back pocket,  
“You know that I’ll know exactly what you’ve done whenever I’ll smell lavender in the studio again, right?”   
“Shut up and come back here” Felix mumbled with one hand rubbing down his red face while the other motioned for Chris to join him back on the bed again.   
“Can I try something first?” Chris asked when he was back between the younger’s legs, the bottle in one hand and Felix thigh gripped tight in the other.  
“Of course” the younger answered, a bit hesitant and watched as his friend put the bottle on the sheets away from them,  
“I want to suck you off” and this time the air was punched out of Felix as he nodded,  
“Please” he practically begged and clenched his jaw to the smirk that tugged on Chris lips when the older placed his hand around the younger’s cock.  
He leaned down, found a comfortable position between the other’s thighs and gave his cock a few more strokes before flicking out his tongue to lick a long strand from the base to the tip.  
“Fuck- Chris” Felix choked out while his hands automatically buried themselves in the bouncy locks of the other’s hair.   
He let out another deep moan when Chris repeated the action and the older quickly gained confidence as he continued to lick around the head, collected the beads of pre-cum that escaped the tip on his tongue and revelled in the short whiny gasps that seemed to resonate from deep within Felix’s chest.   
“You’re doing so amazing, _fuck_ -” He exhaled in hurried pants, “Wha- what good did I ever do to deserve you?” Felix mumbled. An arm thrown over his eyes like he didn’t want Chris to fully see the wrecked state of mind he was in and the older could feel how his entire body screamed for more.   
To see how far he could go before the younger would finally lose it. A soundless scream left the other’s lips when Chris finally took his length in his mouth and he swallowed hard while the head of the younger’s cock hit the back of his throat. He choked, just slightly and basked in the pleasure that ripped through Felix's body as he bobbed his head up and down. He really was beautiful, with a body cut from the finest marble, a voice that was equal to a God’s and with a heart and soul more golden and delicate than the finest jewellery on earth… and he was Chris’s. It was _his Felix_ that was begging him not to stop when he closed his hand around the part of the shaft that he couldn’t fit in his mouth, _his Felix_ who groaned while he swallowed him down again and again, _his Felix_ that finally pulled him up with a hurried, “I need you inside of me, now” before their lips smashed together again.   
“I’m so lucky” Chris choked out between their lips with one hand cupping the younger’s cheek and coaxing him further into the kiss while the other found the abandoned bottle at his side.   
“I love you” the younger answered and met his friends eyes when the older screwed open the lid and poured some of the content on his fingers, massaging it between his tips to warm it up while he placed his other hand on the younger’s thigh,  
“I love you too Lixie” he answered and watched as the other’s face contorted from slight pain at the intrusive feeling as his finger pushed inside to… well, something that resembled pleasure when he got used to it, “You sure you’re ok?” Chris asked, a bit worried, because he thought it was supposed to feel good? Isn’t it supposed to feel good?  
“I’m fine, you-” the younger swallowed, “You can add another”   
The older bit down on his lower lip when he slipped in his long finger as well, trying his hardest to keep his eyes on Felix's face to make sure that the younger was comfortable but the way that his fingers were just sucked right into the other was… distracting. It was tight around his fingers, tight enough that he had to struggle to make sure that his motions weren't hurting when he carefully scissor his fingers and he wondered how he was ever able to fit his cock inside.  
“More” the younger choked out and Chris’s breath hitched, “Push them into me properly” Felix clarified and met the older’s eyes from underneath heavy, dark lashes. Pink hair standing in every direction, eyes the colour of melting amber from the golden ceiling lamp above them and chest heaving,   
He was going to kill him, fast, clean and within a heartbeat, Chris was sure of it as he watched the playful smirk on his friends lips when he raised his legs to place them around his waist and grabbed around his wrist to push the older’s finger’s deeper into himself. They both moaned in unison and while the sound came from deep within Chris chest- Felix turned an octave higher and faded out in a long whine when the older suddenly stroked against what felt like a small ball, on one wall inside of him.  
“You found it” Felix mumbled, a bit hazy and much like Chris had just ventured out on a treasure hunt and finally found the chest of gold, “Come on, I can’t wait anymore” he continued and reached for the bottle at their sides and Chris mouth fell open as he squeezed a healthy amount over the older’s cock,  
“But I-” the older started but was cut short by Felix,  
“The only but here is my butt, which needs you inside right now. I’ve been waiting years for this; we can have more pillow talk more next time”  
“Next-” Chris only managed to say before his words disappeared in a choked-up gasp as Felix pulled himself closer with the legs around the older’s waist, placed a stable hand around the other’s cock and guided him to his entrance.   
Yup. Chris was going to die. Right then and there. At that very moment when the head of his cock disappeared within the ring of muscles of his best friend.   
“Fuck” The younger choked out.   
He’d never felt so full in his entire life. White noise rang in his ear and he could feel his fingertips grow numb, much like that time when they’d celebrated way too hard for way too long and he downed three glasses of beer within one hour after their “artist of the year” award at MAMA, two years ago. _Drunk_ was one of the words he’d use, _weird_ the second and though his brain told him to fight back against feeling- since it wasn’t necessary very pleasant at first, it didn’t hurt as well, and he quickly grew used to it.   
“Are you ok?” Chris asked behind gritted teeth when Felix hadn’t moved since the older entered him and he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding,  
“I’m fine” he exhaled and dug his fingertips into Chris's shoulders before pressing a small kiss against his collarbone.   
The older enveloped him completely with his body and he once again rejoiced in the pure bliss of the other’s weight on his body, the way that he was locked into the position, with his back against the bed and Chris’s sharp breathing against his neck. The feeling of the other’s pulsating cock so deep inside of him that he could taste the orgasm that was already burning like a pyre in the pit of his stomach.  
“Chris, move, please” he begged and dragged his fingertips over the older’s back again.  
The other did as he was told and hoisted himself up to properly look at the younger before he jolted his hips forward again. Smirked, almost devilishly when Felix's mouth fell open as he repeated the action, and soon enough the younger was a moaning mess underneath him. Writhing and tensing up like a bow that had been stretched way too tight, back arching off the bed with every thrust that Chris moved him with,   
“More, more” the younger choked out and Chris haltered the movements almost completely before he got met by a big pout and the younger’s big blown out eyes,  
“More?” Chris asked, almost agitated and bit down on his lower lip hard enough to make it hurt,   
He rose up to a sitting position, grabbed a tight grip around both of Felix legs, placed them on his shoulders and watched with hooded eyes and jaw clenched how the younger’s eyes rolled back as he sunk down all the way into him, thighs pressed against Felix lower back.  
The moan that slipped out from the younger’s throat gave him goose bumps and he closed his hands around Felix’s waist before jolting his hips forward again, immediately setting a pace that he knew he wouldn’t last long in. The younger’s moan quickly turned into sobbing whines and if it wouldn’t be for the sharp gasps of air and the small satisfied smile, he gave Chris when the older closed his hand around the younger’s cock, the other could almost believe that he was in pain.   
“I won’t be able to last much longer” Felix mumbled against his lips when Chris leaned down, bent the younger into a C underneath him and captured his lips in a way that left them both breathless,  
“Can I?” Chris started and Felix nodded,  
“Please” he begged and the smile he gave the older quickly got exchanged by a moan when Chris found his prostate again,   
“There we go, love” Chris hummed, jerked off the younger quicker and flicked his wrist in a way that always made himself finish quicker.   
It didn’t take many more seconds after that, just a few more thrusts and Felix’s mouth fell open as a low dragged out moan fell from his lips and his cum splattered between their bodies. He clenched around the older in the process and Chris fell quickly after, head thrown back and with a sob escaping from deep within him. Felix eyes watered when he watched the scene that he’d been waiting for two long years to see and revelled in the sight of how wonderfully beautiful the other looked with his roughly kissed pink lips and brown hair that stuck to the sweat on his forehead. The younger huffed when his friend laid down on him but invited the weight of his body again, carefully sliding down his legs from the other’s shoulders while locking both arms behind his back.  
“That was…”  
“Amazing” Felix finished and the older raised himself just enough to look at him,  
“I love you, Lix” he said with a sincerity that made Felix heart clench and stomach tumble with somersaults,  
“I love you too” he said before combing back the hair from Chris’s forehead, smiling softly when the older sighed to his touch, _“I love you too”_


	20. The two of them and an early morning in LA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been... problematic... to say the least. Thank you for waiting and THANK YOU FOR READING!! ♥ Can't belive it's finally finished. Please, please comment what you thought. It always makes my day when I see a new message in my inbox. Literally. All your support has made this reality. I want to personally thank Cylia (@chanlixual on twitter) because without her unconditional love for Chanlix, this fanfic would probably not exist (since I've been scrolling down her tl for far too many times and fangirled over her posts so many times throughout this process ;) hush don't tell her) and I want to thank YOU, amazing reader who has given me kudos, comments and support. It's been a joy ♥

The LA sun was warm on his skin when he woke up. A gentle breeze picked up the curtain and moved over to the bed while he sighed happily, stroked a hand through his hair to remove it from his forehead before blinking his eyes open. They must’ve forgotten to close the balcony door yesterday, but he didn’t mind and kicked off the thick duvet from his upper body, legs tangled, and body still covered in a thin sheet of sweat. He winced, turned over to the person next to him and couldn’t help the small smile that tugged on his lips. Chris was softly snoring, legs spread, one arm underneath his pillow and the other on Felix's stomach. The duvet barely covered him up and Felix couldn’t help but imagine how much alike an ancient Greek marble statue he must look if he were to stand over him. Another breeze passed through their room and it made Felix skin prickle and Chris’s hair to softly move. He picked up his phone, glanced at the time and rubbed his eyes, wondered for a moment if he should go through the hassle of getting up and go down to get breakfast alone since it was still 2 hours until they _actually_ had to be up, or if he should just brew some water for instant coffee in the meantime while he waited for Chris to wake up.   
His stomach grumbled with the thought of food though and he made a grimace, stretched out like a cat and yawed big before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He stumbled, grimaced again when his legs momentarily failed him and placed his hand on the bed for support. Pouted and entered the bathroom with another sigh.   
The boy in the mirror was happy though- despite the pout. There were hickeys underneath his collarbones and yellow imprints of fingers on his hip bones. His breath hitched as he placed his own fingers above them and tried his very hardest to chase away the conjured memory of Chris pounding him from behind last night. The way he sounded as he chased the little death that he craved so much. The way his hand closed around Felix, mumbling something about him needing to come first because he wanted the younger to clench hard around him under his breath. Felix was stretched over the older’s body like a string, and the hurried breaths that escaped Chris’s chest rumbled against his back.   
Yeah… _not_ giving in to pictures like that was nearly impossible and Felix sighed again, more troubled than actually horny when he looked down on his hardening cock. Met his eyes in the mirror again and rolled his eyes, before they landed on Chris in the bed through the open door. He was still sound asleep, and Felix let his head fall back against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall while a silent conflict roared in his mind for a minute.   
Fuck it.  
He went back to the bed, heart in his throat and breath already coming out in short nervous pants. Grabbed onto the duvet over Chris’s body and slowly but steadily pulled it away to reveal the older’s body. Rather unceremoniously deflated a little as the air in his lungs escaped him in a deep sigh. The Gods could count him as over the moon if Chris would ever allow him to take a photo of him when he was just like he was at that moment, still unconscious to the world, still snoring, still with his hair ruffled, still as naked as one could get.   
Felix wet his lips, tried to pull himself out of the creepy feeling that he just stood there, watching his friend with an almost alien like curiosity- head cocked to the side like the angle would reveal something different about the older. Completely naked himself, with only the sun and the wind that still blew through the curtains at his side as their only witnesses. He took a step forward, and then another, kneecaps pressed close against the bed now and paused, unsure still if he should bother the older, but it only lasted for a few seconds before his gaze landed on the older’s body again. His cock twitched and he couldn’t help but to close his hand around himself, tugged a few times just to relive the built up tension in his joints, cautious and with a short inhale, before he fell forward on his hands and knees and climbed over the older as carefully as he could. Chris was comfortably warm to the touch and Felix held his breath when he leaned over him while a mixture of wonder and fear struck him down because what if the older woke up and wondered what he’d doing? He exhaled and the breath shuddered his body a little. Eyes graced over the older, from his hard frame, to the inviting place between his legs.   
Felix pressed a kiss against the older’s collarbone, delicate enough that his lips barely touched the pale skin there. He tensed up his core muscles, and felt how his muscles worked to keep himself upright since he couldn’t place his hand too far up because the bed would dip down from his weight. Glanced up before placing the next kiss over the place where the other’s heart is while he resisted the strong urge to press his cheek against the rhythmic beating off it and watched how Chris’s eyes fluttered behind his eyelids as he continued to press kisses downwards.  
The older probably thought that he was a dream. That the way that Felix moved his lips over the older’s body was just a fantasy that his brain cooked up from memory and not any actual touches.  
“Felix” he groaned out loud and the younger paused, afraid that his friend had woken up, but the mumble soon turned into a low humming snore again.  
Felix smiled to himself, pressed more kisses against the older, over his lower stomach, around his navel, down over his hips, the soft skin where his torso ended and legs begun, over his even softer inner thighs and Chris whined, deep and low and the sound of him sent rippled over Felix skin. He glanced at the older’s cock, already half hard from the dream that went on in his mind and licked his bottom lip into his mouth when the thirst for the other made his throat dry and heart thump. Chris shuddered against him when he closed a hand around his cock and Felix had to bite down on his lip to prevent a deep groan from escaping. His name fell from the other’s lips again and his breath hitched in his throat as he took a harder grip and carefully began to jerk him off in a lazy motion, watched as Chris' mouth fell open and gripped the sheet at his side to prevent himself from reaching around himself again.  
Another groan fell from the older’s lips and Felix sighed before he leaned forward, exhaled warm breath again, against Chris cock this time and wet his lips before flicking out his tongue to taste him. A rumbling noise that ended up in a whine slipped from the other’s lips as the younger took him into his mouth, eyes rolling back behind closed eyelids, and throat bared as his head fell deeper into the pillow. Chris tasted like nothing Felix had ever tasted before and though it was different, it wasn’t exactly unpleasant. He kept his hand around the part of that shaft that he couldn’t reach yet and hallowed his cheeks before sucking hard on the head, revelled in the way that Chris writhed underneath him and closed his eyes to be able to focus on what he was doing. Something about the way that the older laid completely out in the open, fully on display for the younger to claim was… suffocating, intoxicating and so mesmerizingly overpowering that Felix couldn’t help but moan when the older jolted his hips forward deeper, unhappily restricted from pushing all the way down his throat by the younger’s hand around him.  
“Fuck” the older moaned out and Felix guessed by the hands that suddenly combed back his hair from his forehead, that the older had woken up, “Lixie” he choked out and Felix opened his eyes again.  
Chris' gaze was filled with amazement, deep and utterly lost with heavy eyelids and eyes so dark that the younger’s stomach did somersaults. Felix kept the eye contact when pushing down deeper on the other’s cock, moaned again when Chris grabbed a handful of his pink locks and breathed deeply because the older couldn’t help but to thrust his hips up again,  
“You’re beautiful. God-” the older exhaled and stroke one hand down over his cheek, wet his lips when the abs on his stomach restricted as pleasure ripped through him, “Taking my cock like that, with those pretty lips, so good-” Felix never took his friend as one who liked dirty talk but he didn’t mind it at all, rather the opposite and found it ever tougher to ignore the burning yearn to close his hand around his own throbbing cock that currently laid pressed against the mattress,   
“Are you hard, Lixie?” the older asked and Felix hummed around him, nodding just slightly and licked a long strand on the underside of the older’s cock, from the base to the tip, collected the pre-cum there before taking him into his mouth again, squirmed at the way that Chris pulled on his hair when he did so,  
“Could you… turn around, please? I… I want to taste you” Chris asked and the younger looked up at him again, let the other’s cock fall from his lips and held back a smirk when Chris’s brows furrowed from the lack of warmth around him.  
Felix turned around, separated his legs so they were on both sides of the older’s face and inhaled sharply when Chris closed his hand around his leaking cock before he took him into his mouth. Blowing the other became significantly harder when he was losing himself in pleasure as well, but he was trying his very best. Breath hitching and chest rumbling from deep groans when Chris closed one possessive hand around his thigh while the other mirrored the pace that Felix had set. For a moment there was just the two of them, the sleepy, big, sunny city outside their open balcony, the sound of hushed groans and the wet sound of spit mixed with pre-cum. Musky sweat and the smell of yesterday's cologne mixed with the heavy scent of arousal in the air surrounding them and Chris was getting close by the second, the younger could feel it- in the tightening of his thighs, the spasm of his muscles, the way he’d gotten used to the hitched groans that fell from his lips when he approached the edge.   
Felix let go off the other’s cock with his hand and placed it beside him instead, clenched the sheets while taking the older as far as he could down his throat before it felt like he was going to choke and Chris let him go momentarily to curse under his breath. He came back for air, before sucked him hard down his throat again, repeated the process and soon enough Chris let out a deep sob before mumbling something about him coming. Felix didn’t let him go though, eyelids fluttering and only swallowed around him again, felt how Chris tried his very hardest to not thrust hard into his mouth when his whole body tensed up. The younger felt his eyes prickle and cock twitch as the other lost his grip and fell over the edge. Cum filled his throat, mouth and he had to let go to not choke, breathing deeply to get air into his lungs with a string of saliva still connected to the older’s twitching cock.  
“Fuck Lixie, look at me” Chris begged again and Felix wouldn’t remarked on the neediness on his voice if he wouldn’t feel so turned on that it hurt, “So gorgeous” he continued with wonder in his voice as he took in the sight of the younger in front of him when he straddled his hips. Cock still rock hard, blood filled and angry red while pointing towards those perfect abs of his. Pink hair tousled and full lips stretched out red, a bit of cum in the corner of his mouth and eyes so big and dark that Chris thought he might drown in them.  
“Come here” the older choked out and groaned at the taste of himself on the younger’s lips, “Tell me what you need” he whispered, already knowing the answer but craved them to be spoken aloud anyway,  
“I need your fingers in me” the younger said back in an exhale and Chris gave him a pained expression before he placed two fingers into his mouth, wet them properly, reached behind his friend and pushed one finger behind the rim. Two days had passed since they fucked for the first time and the members were already used (troubled) with their high libido. All of a sudden, they’d be off- just the two of them, after breakfast, after soundcheck, after lunch, after they’d gotten into their stage clothes, and the rest of the group would only give them knowing glances when they returned. Choked up inhales in their throats and with a thin sheet of sweat on their brows, like they’d gone off to do an intense 10-minute workout.   
They were discreet though, careful and quick, with much help from the fact that Felix only needed a seven minute hand job and two fingers pressing against that spot deep inside him to choke forth the older’s name and Chris well… let’s just say that he had a soft spot for the fact that Felix could come so undone for him in that short amount of time.  
“More, mate. Fuck- I need more” Felix groaned against his throat and the other didn’t hesitate for a second as he pushed another finger in, found the prostate by default and watched with hooded eyes how Felix closed a hand around himself again, finger’s barely closing around the girth of his cock while he threw his head back as he rode the older’s finger’s,  
“Don’t stop, please don’t stop” the younger cried out, and Chris hand on his thigh tightened when he came to a stop before his body convulsed, eyes rolling back and cum splattered against his lower stomach with long ribbons.   
He winced slightly when Chris pulled out his fingers again before laying down over his friend. Sighing deeply to the sound of the other’s hurried breath underneath him while trying to calm down his own.   
“I love you” Chris said, almost in a whisper while combing his fingers through Felix’s hair while the younger hummed with content,   
“Why’d you touch my hair with the fingers you had in my butt though?” he muttered back and the older chuckled,  
“We’re gonna shower anyway”  
“Nuhu, don’t you dare move” Felix answered and laid down more comfortably over his friend.  
Silence fell and all they could hear was the city outside for a moment before Felix chuckled,  
“Hyung, do you remember back in December? When we were in the studio all day watching all those movies and reminiscing about the past and you asked me why I never cuddled you?”  
He rose up enough to meet Chris eyes and the older gave him a small grin, “I’m glad that changed”   
“Yeah, me too” Felix answered and gave the other a bright smile while combing his hair away from his forehead, “Oh and hyung”   
Chris answered with a soft hum, eyes closed, one hand on Felix thigh, softly stroking the skin there while the other rested underneath his pillow, “I love you too”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading

**Author's Note:**

> Much love ♥


End file.
